Argus Hamilton's column for 2-21-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Fidel Castro resigned unexpectedly as president of Cuba Tuesday. Over the last two years he has suffered from severe gastro-intestinal problems. And everybody thought that when we started shipping him American beef it was a humanitarian gesture.

Fidel Castro's seventy-six-year-old brother and successor Raoul Castro is well known to enjoy alcohol and tobacco and women. The CIA is already trying to kill him. American kids mustn't learn that you can make it to seventy-six with these habits.

The White House on Tuesday ruled out any change in Cuba policy following Fidel Castro's resignation. The dictator's retirement caps a remarkable career. Every American president since Harry Truman has been survived by his wife and Fidel Castro.

The Florida Board of Education voted Tuesday to allow evolution to be taught as a scientific theory. We haven't come all that far. One science class observed one hundred white mice inside a cage and noticed that the least intelligent male defeated Al Gore.

President Bush flew to Tanzania Monday where reporters' questions about the U.S. presidential race agitated him. He could be in Africa where everyone asks him about Barack Obama or he could be in the U.S. where everyone would ask him why he didn't know that his Texas Rangers took steroids. He's becoming nostalgic for the quagmire in Iraq.

Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in the Wisconsin primary Tuesday. It was her ninth loss in a row. When Hillary got the news she was already in Youngstown, Ohio, paying six out-of-work steelworkers a thousand dollars apiece to let her win at darts.

Michelle Obama started a storm Monday by saying that for the first time in her life she's proud of her country. Reaction wasn't all bad. She got a nice note from John McCain thanking her for the one hundred million dollars he can raise in his sleep now.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will hold a debate tonight at the University of Texas in Austin. He's beaten her in ten straight primaries. If Barack Obama beats her one more time she's going to change her campaign theme song to Proud Mary.

New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices close above a hundred dollars a barrel for the first time Tuesday. Reaction was swift. The Griffith Observatory just added coin-operated telescopes on the balcony where for a quarter you can see the price of gasoline.

Homeland Security deployed bomb-sniffing dogs and machine gun-toting guards at Amtrak stations across America Tuesday. It was embarrassing. When CNN aired the footage in Europe, people across eastern Germany were afraid they had won the Cold War.

Zurich police found two recently stolen masterpiece paintings in the back seat of an unlocked car Tuesday. The car was parked outside a mental hospital. The thief would have gotten away with it, however he wasn't quite crazy enough to cut his ear off.

Pentagon contractor and lobbyist Brent Wilkes was sentenced to twelve years in prison Tuesday for supplying jailed former congressman Duke Cunningham with cash and gifts and hookers at the Watergate Hotel. Twelve years in jail is not long enough. God only knows what the hookers might have caught hanging out with a crowd like that.

President Bush signed the stimulus plan to give Americans a six-hundred-dollar tax rebate. The U.S. will borrow more money from China and give it to the American people so they can stimulate the economy by buying more stuff from China. If President Bush doesn't get the best seats at the Summer Olympics, there is no justice in this world.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio