Argus Hamilton's column for 2-20-08
HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?
The Vatican announced Pope Benedict will visit President Bush during his first visit to the U.S. as pontiff in April. One is a conservative Catholic, the other is a born-again Protestant. The only thing they agree on is that they're both infallible.
Roger Penske became the first race car owner on Sunday to win both at Daytona and at Indianapolis in one year. He races stock cars and formula one cars year-round and owns a huge auto dealership in Los Angeles. He's the reason we had to invade Iraq.
Roger Clemens told Congress last week he never injected steroids. He was the talk of Capitol Hill. Now the Washington Monument reminds everybody of a giant syringe, but it finally explains how Washington grew to be a head taller than the rest of the founders.
The Agriculture Department recalled beef produced in Southern California Monday due to possible E. coli contamination. It was sent to schools. For most teenage girls in Los Angeles it is a nice change from having to stick their fingers down their throats to lose weight.
Heidi Klum invited Britney Spears Monday to stay with her in her Beverly Hills home as she recovers. This is awful. It's not going to ease the congestion problem in Los Angeles when the world hears that even our baby-sitters are German supermodels.
Barack Obama was caught Monday giving a speech identical to one given by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick two years ago. In the speech they compare themselves to Abe Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. That would explain why they were both wearing helmets.
Michelle Obama told a crowd in Wisconsin Monday that for the first time in her adult life she's proud of her country. She said it's because people across America are hungry for change. By the end of any Bush presidency, everyone's begging for nickels.
President Bush was met by female dancers in Tanzania Monday. They wore an image of his face on their tube tops and the rear of their skirts. When President Clinton visited they wore an image of his hand on their tube tops and the rear of their skirts.
Bill Clinton lost his temper at a heckler on an Ohio rope line Sunday. He poked the heckler in the face with his finger and had to be restrained by the Secret Service. The guy should never have written a bad newspaper review of Chelsea's singing.
John McCain was endorsed Monday by former president George H.W. Bush. Last week he got Jeb's and the president's backing. John McCain has been tortured by the North Vietnamese, so associating himself with the Bush family feels like a vacation to him.
John McCain campaigned in Texas Monday and vowed to keep U.S. troops in Iraq indefinitely. He continues to justify the invasion. Now he's claiming that Saddam Hussein was using performance-enhancing drugs when he broke Saladin's all-time record.
The Florida Board of Education voted Tuesday on whether to allow the teaching of evolution in Florida schools for the first time. Darwin's Theory is controversial. It holds that man came about when fish made it out of the swamps and onto land and eventually evolved into little insignias on golf shirts.
Dallas County prosecutors released forty-five-year-old transcripts Monday of an alleged conversation between Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby showing they conspired to kill JFK. The FBI long ago dismissed the transcript as a screenplay. The thing falls apart when Ruby tells Oswald he will text him when he gets to Chicago.
Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.
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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio
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