Argus Hamilton's column for 2-19-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama claimed Americans are one people Sunday as if the Republicans and Democrats were reconcilable. He's certain he's right when it's obvious he's wrong. Genealogists say he's related to Dick Cheney and at last we see the family resemblance.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams suggested last week that Britain permit Sharia law for Muslim citizens. It permits stoning, amputation, lashings and beheading by sword. That kind of thing only belongs in Muslim countries and American reality shows.

The Chicago Auto Show showcased new hybrid cars made in Detroit and Japan this past week. The things still don't go fast enough. The attitude in Los Angeles is, what's the use of fifty miles a gallon if when you get there everyone's already left?

Paris Hilton got in trouble Friday when she said she owns seventeen dogs. Only commercial breeders can have more than three. Someone must tell her that having sex with a car while shooting a fast-food commercial doesn't make you a commercial breeder.

Steven Spielberg resigned in protest Friday as the artistic advisor to China's Summer Olympics opening ceremonies. It was inevitable. Ever since the communists began implementing free market economic reforms they've lost the support of Hollywood.

President Bush announced Sunday he will attend the Olympics in China. They spy on citizens, repress all dissent and operate in complete secrecy. There's a reason President Bush has replaced Chairman Mao as every Chinese kid's favorite baseball card.

President Bush said Saturday that Congress's failure to renew his wiretap powers leaves the country vulnerable to terrorists. He predicted a huge attack soon. Everyone thought it was his usual bluff until he took Laura and Condi and headed for Africa.

Kosovo declared independence Sunday, prompting Russia to vow to protect the Serbs there. Just when the Cold War was starting up again, World War One is set to erupt, and at this rate South Carolina will secede any day. Mike Huckabee may be a president yet.

Mike Huckabee pleaded with Wisconsin evangelical voters for support Sunday as his chances for the Republican presidential nomination dwindled. He called for a miracle in Milwaukee. Normally a miracle in Milwaukee is when you bowl a four hundred.

Hillary Clinton hinted Sunday that Barack Obama was afraid to face her onstage in a new debate. It's true she may be a little too strong. Roger Clemens's trainer recognized her in the U.S. Capitol hallways last week and she was walking away from him.

Bill Clinton campaigned for his wife in Ohio on Sunday. He was harassed by one angry heckler during his speech and again out on the rope line. When Hillary told him to court the superdelegates, she forgot to remind him to always call the next day.

The NBA All-Star game in New Orleans Sunday featured a halftime show starring legendary jazz musicians. In the big finale, dancers wearing NBA Cares tee-shirts built two houses right there on the basketball court. The second half was delayed forty minutes while the officials blamed FEMA for the shoddy construction.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio