Argus Hamilton's column for 2-18-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Barack Obama announced Thursday he will spend defense budget dollars to create jobs in environmental work. No one dares object. Barack Obama is being treated like such a god that editorial cartoonists are afraid there will be riots if they draw him.

Hillary Clinton stated Tuesday there will be no personal scandal caused by her husband if she's elected president. There goes the last of her support. First she lost the black vote, then she lost the youth vote, and now she has lost the comedians.

Barron Hilton knocked down a gas station manager with his car before ramming it into a gas pump while driving drunk in Malibu Tuesday. The station manager will never have to worry about having a roof over his head. The Hiltons keep a separate hotel for all the people they run over.

Mel Gibson was in a Los Angeles courtroom Tuesday for his final appearance in his traffic arrest case. The judge sent him to AA meetings. The anti-Semitic tirade against a Jewish cop was settled when lightning struck Malibu, causing two weeks of brushfires.

Roger Clemens read a statement to Congress Wednesday denying that he ever used steroids, and then his accuser Brian McNamee read a statement saying he injected Roger Clemens with steroids. It was breathtakingly dramatic. It's so nice to have the writers back.

Gary Hart told ABC News he blames Democratic party superdelegates for upending his run for the presidency two decades ago. We all remember what really happened to him. Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket, but he couldn't get his pants on.

Senator Arlen Specter chastised NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell Wednesday for getting rid of evidence in the New England Patriots spygate scandal. The commissioner says he did the right thing by destroying the tapes. When Robert Redford made All the President's Men, he meant for the movie to be a thriller, not an instructional video.

The Museum of Natural Science displayed hair samples of America's first twelve presidents in Philadelphia Tuesday. What giants. They established a country that's completely free of monarchy if you don't count the Clintons, the Bushes, the Kennedys and the Presleys.

President Bush held a ceremony honoring Black History Month at the White House Tuesday. He told his guests that nooses and lynchings are nothing to joke about. Last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference, he cut John McCain down just in time.

President Bush ordered new sanctions on Syria by executive order Wednesday and he accused Damascus of meddling with Iraq and Lebanon. What business do they have meddling with their neighbors? They should go across the oceans and do it like we do.

President Bush embarked on a six-day trip to Africa Saturday to display his concern for mankind. A lot of Americans are going to be secretly sad to see him leave office next year. No one likes to admit how much they enjoy watching Gilligan's Island.

Yahoo announced Wednesday it's exploring a partnership with News Corp. to fend off a hostile takeover attempt. The two companies have had a long and mutually beneficial relationship. Ten years ago News Corp. hired every Yahoo it could find to form Fox News.

The Senate Ethics Committee admonished Senator Larry Craig Wednesday over his Minnesota airport bathroom arrest. They said he shouldn't have flashed his business card at the arresting officer. If they said soliciting sex with strangers was unethical, there would be so many vacant Senate offices it would look like the foreclosure crisis.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio