Argus Hamilton's column for 2-13-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show is held at Madison Square Garden this week. It draws a nice cable audience. The networks were about to buy the show and train the dogs to attack supermodels when news came from L.A. that the writers' strike has been settled.

Britney Spears checked out of the UCLA psychiatric ward Wednesday and then she was escorted by a convoy of security vans and motorcycle cops to the Beverly Hills Hotel. It's right down the street from the children's zoo. Last week four kids escaped.

Barack Obama seized the momentum with four primary victories last weekend. His supporters may be inspired by coverage of Black History Month. Hillary Clinton just promised President Bush a full pardon if he'll declare March to be Wronged Woman Month.

Barack Obama upset Hillary Clinton in four primaries last weekend. It was voter greed, pure and simple. Bill Clinton's made so much money since he cheated on Hillary that all the Democrats have decided to see another candidate behind her back.

Barack Obama won a Grammy for the Best Spoken Word Album for the audio version of his book at the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles Sunday. Everybody likes the guy. Barack Obama's so popular that even the Ku Klux Klan just offered him half-membership.

Mike Huckabee beat John McCain in Louisiana and Kansas on Saturday. The voters prefer a funny minister to a serious war hero. Ever since America became the world's only superpower we've been electing our presidents based on their entertainment value.

Mike Huckabee barely lost to John McCain in Washington state on Saturday but he's asking for a vote count investigation. This will go nowhere. Good luck convincing a federal judge that people from Arkansas can count better than people from Microsoft.

President Bush celebrated Abraham Lincoln's birthday Sunday with an event held in the East Room of the White House. He likes to compare himself to Abe Lincoln. You've got to have a hole in your head to think you could establish democracy in Iraq.

President Bush discussed his daily routine as commander-in-chief in a Fox News interview Sunday at the White House. He said every morning the first thing he does is take a look at that day's threat to America. Most people simply call it shaving.

President Bush viewed the tornado-destroyed landscape in Tennessee Friday. He knew better than to tell them FEMA was on the way. After one look, he put in a call to Mary-Kate Olsen and asked if she could send over her party apartment clean-up squad.

The New York Yankees began funding a training camp in China Sunday to expand baseball to the world's largest nation. People in China meet the first test of what it takes to be baseball fans. They're not fussy at all about what goes into a hot dog.

Great Britain asked its Olympic athletes to sign a contract barring them from criticizing China's government while they're in Beijing for the Olympics. If they don't sign, they won't be allowed to go. No one had any idea Wal-Mart was that big in Great Britain.

Bill Clinton said Sunday he totally understands why black folks are voting for Barack Obama. He said they've been voting for whites for years and now they've got Obama and they're proud. If he were any more patronizing he'd be carrying barefoot children through the mud and asking TV viewers to sponsor them for thirty cents a day.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio