Argus Hamilton's column for 2-12-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

NBC News anchor David Shuster was suspended Friday for saying Bill and Hillary Clinton were pimping out Chelsea to win votes. The girl's just doing her best. What are you supposed to do with a degree from Stanford and Oxford in today's economy?

Brian McNamee told Congress Friday he injected Roger Clemens's wife with Human Growth Hormone as well as Roger Clemens with steroids. This investigation is far from over. Their family dog is a St. Bernard but when they bought it, it was a Maltese.

Britney Spears's father was allowed by a Los Angeles court Friday to fire her manager Sam Lufti. Court papers say his real name is Osama. He shortened it to Sam when he got a call from Osama bin Laden complaining that he was ruining his good name.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service Friday set aside nine million acres in four Western states as critical habitat for the Mexican spotted owl. No one really thinks the owls are endangered. For every one you deport, three more fly over the fence.

Great Britain's welfare department decided Friday that husbands with many wives are entitled to welfare benefits for each wife. The money is paid directly into his bank account. The things London has to do to attract the next Republican National Convention.

Dick Cheney was at the Armstrong Ranch in Texas over the weekend, the place where he shot a lawyer while hunting two years ago. It wasn't his fault. His aim has been off ever since the CIA briefed him that Texans always hide their last beer in the butter box.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the American Nurses Association in Tacoma last week. Her family has deep ties with that union. The moment Bill Clinton woke up in the recovery room after his heart surgery four years ago he took a turn for the nurse.

The Space Shuttle Atlantis docked with the International Space Station Friday and delivered the Columbus science lab. It's an important project. If Mike Huckabee becomes president, outer space will be the only place it's safe for scientists to work.

Mike Huckabee won the Kansas Republican presidential caucus Saturday by a huge margin over John McCain. His belief in creationism gave him a built-in advantage there. Mike Huckabee's photograph is on the cover of every science textbook in Kansas.

President Bush signed a bill Monday approving one hundred fifty billion dollars in tax rebates. Everybody gets six hundred bucks. You can either have the check sent to your house or you can go to the gas station and get one free tank of unleaded premium.

New York prosecutors said Saturday NASCAR's new racetrack on Staten Island was built by a construction company owned by Mafia members. They're big race fans. Al Capone always kept a body in the trunk to help him hold the road during hairpin turns.

Six Degrees Could Change the World was shown on the National Geographic Channel. It says all the effort that goes into making a cheeseburger will someday submerge coastal cities. However, they don't eat cheeseburgers in Israel and it just gives them rocket attacks.

Pope Benedict issued an edict Friday standing by a Vatican Council ruling that the Roman Catholic church is the only true church. He said he welcomes the debate. If there is one thing he learned in the Hitler Youth, it's always be sure of yourself.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio