Argus Hamilton's column for 2-11-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears sued her parents Friday to regain control of her forty million dollar fortune. It's easy to prove her mental competence. All she has to do is convince the judge that she will make better use of forty million dollars than Mitt Romney did.

President Bush spoke to the conservative political conference in Washington D.C. Friday. His topic was this fall's election. He warned that prosperity and peace are in the balance, which is a big improvement over being in the toilet where they are now.

Bill and Hillary Clinton's courtship was profiled by NBC News Thursday. They took awhile to get hitched. He was planning to propose to her out on the golf course one morning, but he birdied the first three holes and figured, why spoil a good round?

The Gospel Music Channel aired a show Saturday featuring the first gospel choir made up of National Football League players. The players sing and sway and clap and praise the Lord in jubilant harmony. For crying out loud, it was just a touchdown.

Roger Clemens met with U.S. congressmen in the Capitol Friday. They asked him to stop by. Congress was putting together a stimulus package, and they wanted Roger Clemens' advice on how many cc's they can safely inject without growing breasts.

Roger Clemens' trainer, Brian McNamee, gave DNA evidence to the FBI that he says proves he shot Roger Clemens with steroids. After ten years, there's one thing we know about DNA evidence. It won't put him in prison but it might get him impeached.

The Food and Drug Administration issued a warning to plastic surgery patients Friday that a chemical in Botox may cause difficulty swallowing. This is only going to improve sales in Los Angeles. Not only do you look younger, you lose weight.

Mitt Romney dropped out of the GOP race for president Thursday after spending forty million dollars of his own money on a failed campaign. It wasn't his fault. The country is just not ready yet for a white guy to be president of the United States.

John McCain tried to court GOP conservatives at their banquet in Washington D.C. Thursday. He was loudly booed due to his support of amnesty for illegal aliens. And those were just the bus boys who don't want their relatives to come in and take their jobs.

Ron Paul announced Friday that suicide terrorism expert Robert Pape of the University of Chicago is joining his campaign as an adviser. This can only mean one thing. Ron Paul has decided to run as a third-party candidate and blow up the Republican party with him.

Focus on the Family's James Dobson endorsed Mike Huckabee on Friday. Religious conservatives all agree on right-to-life, prayer in school, and opposition to gay marriage, but Mike Huckabee went the extra mile. He promised to force TV Land to cancel Bewitched.

President Bush visited the tornado-ravaged area of Tennessee on Friday. It was touching. President Bush teared up as the tornado victims put their arms around him and promised to get him a little national attention and help put him back on his feet.

President Bush hit his lowest job approval rating ever in the Associated Press poll Friday. He'll be missed. At the National Prayer Breakfast Thursday, he eulogized the late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi as his favorite cartoon show growing up in the Fifties.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio