Argus Hamilton's column for 2-1-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tom Brady addressed thousands of reporters on Super Bowl media day while standing on a goal post. He's set to make sports history. At the rate Tom Brady is going through supermodels, he could become the first football player ever buried at Churchill Downs.

Tom Cruise was allowed to buy a limited-edition Ducati Desmosedici motorcycle just made by engineers in Italy. It's a shrewd career move. Dying in a fiery crash is what you have to do for attention in Hollywood when you don't have a drug problem.

Major League umpires complained Wednesday that league investigators are asking their neighbors if they belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now, wait a minute. The Atlanta Braves just lost the division title for the first time in sixteen years, it seems a little late to ask a question like that.

The Herbal Nutrition Center in Los Angeles unveiled the world's first marijuana vending machine Tuesday, which dispenses pot in an envelope after scanning the customer's fingerprints and ID card. It's controversial. This clearly discriminates against illegal immigrants in Los Angeles public schools.

Miss Michigan won the Miss America pageant in Las Vegas on Saturday. It aired on The Learning Channel. The pageant was kicked off the country music channel last year for asking each contestant what she would do to further the cause of world peace.

John Edwards withdrew from the Democratic presidential race Wednesday. He miscalculated when he vowed to be the candidate for the little people. Next time he's going to be the candidate for the people who are tall enough to reach the voting levers.

The New York Post stunned its conservative readers Thursday by endorsing Barack Obama. The newspaper has a vested interest. They probably think a black Democratic nominee is a sure way to get John McCain elected president, and wars sell newspapers.

The Republican party held a debate in California Wednesday between John McCain, Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul. There were hundreds of cameras. Whenever there are enough Republicans in California to form a bridge game, it's big news.

John McCain spoke in Los Angeles Thursday where he polls well among independent young voters. He actually shares some of their experiences. John McCain is so old that when he was a young man, Coca-Cola still had cocaine in the formula.

Rudy Giuliani withdrew from the GOP presidential race Wednesday and no one can explain his lack of Republican support. It couldn't be his Catholicism. With a trophy wife, gay friends, a pro-choice stance and warlike nature, he's an Episcopalian in all but name.

Hillary Clinton was campaigning in a Little Rock diner Wednesday and then a sudden distraction stole her thunder. She was shaking hands with everybody in the restaurant when she was upstaged by a black Elvis impersonator. Everyone had the same reaction: Not again!

Bill Clinton gave a rousing speech for his wife Wednesday at the University of Oklahoma before seven thousand cheering students who turned out to see him. They love him in Norman. It's the one campus that still holds panty raids on Presidents Day.

President Bush said Monday he'll hold a North American economic summit with Canada and Mexico this April in New Orleans. It's the ideal locale. New Orleans is the one city that can hold a looting seminar for free traders and teach them a few new wrinkles.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio