Argus Hamilton's column for 1-7-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

London stage rehearsals began Friday for a new musical based on the movie Gone with the Wind. It's a loving look at plantation life in the South just before the Civil War. So for Barack Obama, this week it was two steps forward and one step back.

Lake Tahoe was buried by blizzards Friday while downstate, Los Angeles was drenched by rainstorms accompanied by high winds and low temperatures. Florida got snowfall and freezing weather. Americans are just lucky that cars run on corn and not orange juice.

John Wayne's statue might be removed from a Beverly Hills building now owned by Hustler Magazine. It's a lousy fit. Hustler fans don't like a Republican in front of their building and John Wayne fans aren't all that crazy about the First Amendment.

Roger Clemens told CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday he took lidocaine, not steroids, in the locker room. He said he and his pal Andy Pettitte got regular injections in the rear end from the trainer. Now he must go back on the show next week to deny that he's gay.

Britney Spears was hospitalized Friday after losing a custody dispute to Kevin Federline. Her lawyers resigned, saying she's self-absorbed and sliding downhill fast. It makes you wonder if Kevin Federline ought to seek custody of Chelsea Clinton.

New York window washer Alcides Moreno came out of a coma in remarkable health Friday. He fell forty-seven stories and still survived. He shares the title of the world's luckiest man with Bill Clinton, who told forty-seven stories and still survived.

Mike Huckabee won a big victory in Iowa Thursday. People like his manner. He's for teaching creationism, a national sales tax, and scholarships for illegal aliens, but he says it in such a folksy way that people think it's a recipe for fried chicken.

Barack Obama told New Hampshire Friday he will make America one nation and one people. It was some speech. If Barack Obama were any more of a uniter, LSU and Ohio State would call off tonight's game because there's nothing to fight about anymore.

Rudy Giuliani's supporters were dismayed Thursday night at his pitiful showing in Iowa. Only a terrorist attack can save Rudy's candidacy now. Unfortunately for him the terrorists have promised they will never cross the Writers Guild picket line.

Senators Joe Biden and Chris Dodd quit the Democratic race for president Friday after the votes were counted in Iowa. They were by far the most knowledgeable and most experienced and most serious of all of the presidential candidates. So they had to go.

Hillary Clinton declared Friday in New Hampshire that she is the most innocent off all the candidates. She said she's been investigated for sixteen years and has no secrets. When women lose their air of mystery the next thing they lose is Iowa.

President Bush insisted on Friday that the United States economy is strong and solid, as the Dow Jones average plunged another two hundred and fifty points. Wall Street reacted harshly to the annual report on jobs. President Bush still has one.

White House aides on Friday dampened any expectations for President Bush's Middle East peace trip. His trip to Israel and the West Bank is widely believed to be just a cover for his trip to meet King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia. When oil hit one hundred dollars per barrel Thursday he was summoned to Riyadh to receive the Order of Saladin.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio