Argus Hamilton's column for 1-6-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Iowa caucuses aired worldwide via satellite Thursday. It's like musical chairs without music or chairs. People overseas have always wondered why the United States president is always an idiot, now they were able to see for themselves how it happens.

Mike Huckabee emerged from nowhere to win the Iowa caucuses Thursday. It set off a national panic. Mike Huckabee reminds everyone so much of Richard Nixon that the Watergate Hotel just hired Pinkertons to start patrolling the hallways after midnight.

Mitt Romney spent seven million dollars on ads in Iowa and still lost to Mike Huckabee. He did get the last laugh. Mike Huckabee got a congratulatory call from Jesus Christ after the vote was counted and the call came collect from Salt Lake City.

Barack Obama outpolled Hillary Clinton and John Edwards to win the Iowa caucuses Thursday. His win had a profound effect. Barack Obama got so many votes that the next day all the Republican candidates dropped Jesus and admitted to past cocaine use.

Hillary Clinton got twenty-nine percent of the vote in Iowa Thursday. She must be proud. It's the best a woman's done in one of these things since Gennifer Flowers got three hundred thousand dollars from the Enquirer during the New Hampshire primary.

Elizabeth Edwards saluted her husband onstage after he finished second in Iowa Thursday. They have prepared for Iowa since they got married. On their honeymoon night thirty years ago, Elizabeth Edwards came to bed dressed as a corn subsidy.

Democrats turned out two hundred thousand voters in Iowa Thursday while the GOP only turned out one hundred thousand. There's a massacre coming. The Republican party's only consolation is that Ronald Reagan played General Custer in Santa Fe Trail.

The PGA Tour began Thursday with the Mercedes Benz Championship in Hawaii. For the first time the golfers were tested for performance-enhancing drugs. There was a lot of concern when John Daly was tested and doctors found blood in his beer stream.

Roger Clemens will deny using steroids on CBS' 60 Minutes Sunday. Let's cut the hypocrisy. If you offered anyone twenty million dollars a year for taking steroids, Mike Wallace would be bench pressing Roger Clemens tonight rather than interviewing him.

Iran's government announced Thursday that its one-thousand-megawatt nuclear reactor will be up and running by early spring. The reactor is located near the Persian Gulf port city of Bushehr. They might as well change the name of the city to Bush Here.

NASA delayed the launching of the Space Shuttle Atlantis again on Thursday due to a problem with the fuel tank. They said they will try again in February. You'd think that at one hundred dollars a barrel the thing would skyrocket by itself.

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf agreed on Wednesday to allow Scotland Yard to investigate Benazir Bhutto's assassination. Why not the CIA? They would have tortured the witnesses, burned the tapes and concluded that Benazir Bhutto fired first.

President Bush released the itinerary for his Middle East trip this week. His trip begins in Israel, goes through the West Bank, circles the Persian Gulf and winds up in Saudi Arabia. He wants to go down in history as the Lewis and Clark of World War Three.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio