Argus Hamilton's column for 1-31-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Caroline Kennedy endorsed Barack Obama on Monday and annointed him as the heir to John F. Kennedy's legacy. We'll have to wait and see. If Barack Obama's wife is not going to let him smoke, she's certainly not going to let him date Angie Dickinson.

Mitt Romney said Thursday he will spend millions of his own fortune to run for president. He noted Hillary and Barack each raised one hundred million dollars to run. The White House is the only house in America that has gone up in price this year.

The Directors Guild approved the new contract Monday in Hollywood. They insist it's a great contract which pays Internet residuals, but they didn't want to strike. Each and every director thinks he is God, and if God strikes, it takes FEMA forever to get there.

Shaquille O'Neal listed nearly a million dollars in monthly living expenses in divorce papers he filed last week. He's in for one expensive lesson. Poker isn't the only game that starts out with holding hands and ends up in staggering financial loss.

Jessica Simpson sued a tabloid Friday over an article saying Tony Romo broke up with her. She's a stunningly beautiful blonde. A blackjack dealer once told Jessica Simpson to use her head when she bets, but she felt really stupid pushing chips across the table with her nose.

Barbara Walters said Monday she's been contacted by Britney Spears' manager Sam Lufti. The manager said Britney's had some mental issues. The last straw was when she got up on the roof of Cedars-Sinai hospital and tossed bread crumbs to the helicopters.

Tesla Motors of California got a waiver Monday from the government requirement that all cars have air bags. They're going to make an all-electric car. They successfully convinced the government that an air bag will not save you from electrocution during a rainstorm.

Al Gore's cable TV channel Current will go public, making him a billionaire this year. He's got an Oscar, a Grammy, a Nobel Peace Prize, a fortune in Google stock, and now this. Saddam Hussein made the mortal mistake of being the next guy to lose to George W. Bush.

President Bush promised the country in his State of the Union speech Monday he will spend his final year in office getting rid of wasteful and bloated government programs. It's not a surprise. His parents always taught him to pick up after himself.

President Bush urged the Iraqi parliament to pass an oil revenue law that will split oil royalties among Sunni, Shiites and Kurds. The idea is to make everybody too rich to fight. Republicans believe as an article of faith that money can beat swords into sand wedges.

The Bush administration admitted Saturday that a top secret U.S. spy satellite is completely out of control and about to fall to earth. No one's exactly sure why it's falling out of the sky. It's possible that Dick Cheney thought it was a duck.

Wall Street awaited news from the Federal Reserve Tuesday about an interest rate cut. They were worried the stock market would crash again. The bears are much stronger on Wall Street after they spent the off-season working out with Roger Clemens.

Choate Preparatory School canceled a scheduled speech by Karl Rove on Monday because they wanted an informational speech, not a political speech. Kids might learn a little too much from him. Karl Rove knows so much that Google just made a takeover offer for him.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio