Argus Hamilton's column for 1-30-08

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush gave his State of the Union speech Monday in the U.S. Capitol. A loud knock on the House chamber door signaled his arrival, followed by his introduction by the usher. Republicans celebrate the King Holiday a week later, and with their own king.

Las Vegas officials told MGM Mirage Sunday that the Monte Carlo hotel will not be allowed to reopen until the facade that caught fire last week is removed. The facade runs all along the top of the hotel. Let's see Hooters compete with a topless hotel.

Heath Ledger was hailed Monday as a star who broke ground playing a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain. It had never been done before. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company.

Californians vote Tuesday whether Indian tribes may expand their casinos. The tribes have a persuasive ad campaign. That rain dance they did last week in Los Angeles was so effective, it has everybody wondering if they also do a blackjack dance.

Ted Kennedy broke from the Clintons Monday and endorsed Barack Obama. It's dire news for Democratic party unity. If the alcohol wing of the party splits from the adultery wing, only the dogfighting wing will be left to take on the Republicans.

Barack Obama won the South Carolina primary on Saturday, increasing the chances that America could soon have its first black president. It shouldn't matter at all. The ozone layer is being depleted so rapidly that pretty soon everybody will be black anyway.

Bill Clinton started a war with the Barack Obama campaign in South Carolina on Sunday by comparing him to Jesse Jackson. It's a great place to open fire. If you can't get people riled up for war in South Carolina, you should get out of show business.

President Bush got a lukewarm reception to his State of the Union address from his own political party Monday. He's simply not pulling his weight. After walking downstairs to work for seven years, he's not using enough oil to maintain his Republican party membership.

President Bush's State of the Union speech called for U.S. troops to remain in Iraq for decades in a plan he calls protective overwatch. It doesn't matter what he calls it. Democrats are going to withdraw so fast that the plan will be approved by the pope as an acceptable form of birth control.

Barbara Bush told the National Archives Friday it hurts her more to hear criticism of her son than of her husband. There's no place to hide from it. She used to enjoy watching the History Channel until the men in her life began getting more airtime than Germany.

President Bush threatened Iran Monday but he added that America has no quarrel with the Iranian people. Everyone appreciated the gentlemanly touch. Five years ago, he destroyed Iraq's infrastructure and economy and hanged their leader, but he couldn't have been nicer about it.

Governor Kathleen Sebelius of Kansas delivered the Democratic party response to the State of the Union speech Monday. Her look was subdued and her tone was grave and her delivery was homespun and earnest. She makes Hillary Clinton look like Charo.

Mitt Romney cast off his formal look while campaigning in Miami in the Florida primary Monday. He stood on stage in a traditional Cuban peasant shirt with the shirt tail hanging over his belt. It's the first time his wife ever saw him without a tie.




Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio