Argus Hamilton's column for 1-27-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The London Exchange led a worldwide stock market crash Monday. Wall Street was closed for a national holiday and avoided the panic. Now that Martin Luther King has prevented a stock market crash maybe Republicans will show up in the parade next year.

Super Bowl ticket prices skyrocketed Monday as New Yorkers scrambled for seats in Phoenix. Scalpers charged ten thousand dollars per ticket on eBay. The tickets themselves are just a thousand dollars, the rest of the price is gas money to Phoenix.

Fox Network said Monday it's charging Super Bowl advertisers three million dollars for a thirty-second ad. The ads are always fun to watch. Britney Spears once endorsed Dr. Pepper and it was enough to cost him his license to practice medicine in California.

New York Yankees star Johnny Damon flew to Orlando Tuesday to endorse Rudy Giuliani for president. The centerfielder is famous for his amazing likeness to paintings of Jesus. His endorsement was widely seen as the last nail in Mike Huckabee's coffin.

Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage in a Harlem church during Martin Luther King III's speech Monday. It was sad to see the son of the great orator putting a crowd to sleep. The apple never falls far from the tree, unless that tree is on a steep hill.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama debated in South Carolina Monday. They stood side-by-side and fired volley after volley at each other, neither giving an inch. Forty minutes into the debate Lord Nelson was hit by a cannonball and died below deck.

Barack Obama snapped at Hillary Clinton Monday when she and her husband criticized his Illinois voting record. They had better back off. Even tigers at the San Francisco Zoo wouldn't risk attacking anyone who just quit smoking after twenty years.

Barack Obama announced Monday he has set up a truth squad to respond to untruthful statements from the Clintons. He thinks that'll keep them honest. Ken Starr laughed so hard that the walls shook at Pepperdine University and caused a mudslide in Malibu.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by the United Farm Workers Union Tuesday. It brought back wonderful old memories. When she and Bill were first married, making speeches before a Republican crowd was the only way they could get their fruits and vegetables.

Fred Thompson quit the GOP race Tuesday after he finished third last week. As GOP counsel during the Watergate hearings he uncovered Nixon's secret tapes. Fred Thompson is a hero to the reformers in the Republican Party, so he has no support at all.

President Bush and congressional leaders met Tuesday to negotiate federal tax rebates to stimulate the economy. They're talking around eight hundred dollars. Hillary endorsed it, Obama doubled it and Rudy Giuliani suggested nine hundred eleven dollars.

Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini overruled President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Tuesday. They are having a cold winter and Ahmadinejad was trying to keep poor people from getting cheap natural gas. He was just trying to convince Dick Cheney they're on the same side.

Wall Street opened Tuesday with a four-hundred-point plunge and then fought back when the Federal Reserve issued an emergency interest rate cut. The cut made money cheaper for banks and mortgage lenders to borrow. It was the fiscal equivalent of giving the original cast of NBC's Saturday Night Live a bulk rate on cocaine purchases.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio