Argus Hamilton's column for 1-25-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Daily Variety said Monday that Oliver Stone will shoot a movie about President Bush and his rise to power. It tells how an alcoholic found Jesus, then was put in charge of a standing army and a nuclear arsenal by the American voters. It's a comedy.

ABC News will air a documentary about Queen Elizabeth in which the cameras had unprecedented access to Her Majesty's private life. It even shows her shopping with Prince William on the streets of London. Finding the right wife can take all day.

Kiefer Sutherland finished his two-month jail sentence for drunk driving this week. He was born under a lucky star. During the writer's strike he's been the only actor in Hollywood who didn't have to worry about where his next meal is coming from.

Britney Spears stupified news anchors Monday by talking to reporters in a very thick British accent. She doesn't fool Social Services with this little trick. There is no way anybody will ever give her legal custody of Madonna's children.

Chuck Norris said Sunday John McCain is too old to be president of the United States. That's how to get to him. The North Vietnamese used to tell John McCain he looked forty years old when he was thirty, and he still doesn't like to talk about it.

The Congressional Black Caucus held a Democratic presidential debate on Martin Luther King Day in South Carolina. Before the debate, CNN ran an ad by the National Cotton Council of America. They had to give them the ad free under the equal time rules.

The White House was accused in Congress Friday of erasing four hundred days of in-house e-mails. The administration said it happened during a software conversion. Not even a laptop can work at this White House until it's had a come-to-Jesus moment.

The Kingdom of Dubai finished construction Monday on an all-suites residential tower on the ocean, with doctors and a golf pro on call just like room service. You might call it a destination resort. The marquee out front reads The Old Oilman's Home.

Newsweek detailed Monday how President Bush has destroyed the GOP coalition of Wall Streeters, libertarians and creationists. His base is really mad at him. Mike Huckabee fell off the edge of the earth distancing himself from President Bush Sunday.

President Bush marked the holiday Monday with a trip to the Martin Luther King Memorial Library. He was awestruck by all the books and microfilm and archival material available to anyone. If he had a third term he would do something about that.

Bill Clinton fell asleep onstage while sitting at a Harlem church Monday at a Martin Luther King memorial service. He nodded off in a chair behind the pulpit. It was the worst possible time and place to explain he has been working like a slave.

Rudy Giuliani fell behind John McCain and Mitt Romney in Florida Monday. It was a big mistake for him to skip Nevada. If Rudy could have been photographed standing next to an imploding hotel, it would have propelled him right to the top of the polls.

Oil and Gas Journal reported Monday that a huge natural gas field has just been discovered in Brazil by drilling rigs in the interior. Now we have no choice but to invade Brazil. If they've got a matchbook, they've got weapons of mass destruction.



Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio