Argus Hamilton's column for 1-20-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The New York Stock Exchange was a bloodbath Thursday as investors lost billions. It was a massive sell-off. Investors should have seen this coming the moment Jessica Simpson rang the opening bell wearing Charles Schwab's football jersey.

Green Bay hosts New York and New England hosts San Diego in the NFL conference title games today. Both games will be played in five-degree weather. If it ever got that cold in Los Angeles there would be an emergency playing of the Lingerie Bowl.

The Directors Guild avoided the fate of the Writers Guild Thursday and reached a deal with producers. It only took six days. It's no surprise the directors got everything done in six days as it says right on their business cards that they're God.

The Los Angeles School District paid a fee Thursday to demolish the Ambassador Hotel and Cocoanut Grove nightclub and build a high school. It was once everybody's top stop for dancing, drinking and one-night stands. Who can ever forget high school?

Psychology Today published a study Thursday of the likes and dislikes of schoolchildren in America, which revealed that most children hate clowns. It's not just the children who hate clowns. Why do you think Congress has such low approval ratings?

Congress drew up an emergency stimulus bill Thursday which could give everyone in America five hundred dollars. It won't help at all. If people take the money to Wal-Mart it stimulates China and if they take it to the gas station it funds terrorism.

President Bush returned from his eight-day trip to the Middle East on Thursday where he made an admirable impression on everybody. The monarchs in the Arab world all had the same question for him. How does he get away with those signing statements?

Las Vegas casinos were permitted to be used as caucus sites for Democratic party voters in Nevada yesterday. The casinos are full of hot waitresses in thongs and bikinis. Bill Clinton has to be led through the state with horse blinders on his head.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech in South Central Los Angeles Thursday and quoted Martin Luther King in an attempt to reach out to black people. The audience just stared at her. If her advance people had done their homework she would have quoted Cesar Chavez.

Mike Huckabee is trying to find the Michigan lady who handed him her grandmother's wedding ring last week because she had no money to give him. He's so much like Nixon. Mike Huckabee is trying to find her so he can remind her that everyone has two grandmothers.

Mike Huckabee backed South Carolina's right to fly the Confederate flag at its capitol Thursday. He declared that outsiders have no right to tell them how to live and what flag to fly. This is the scene in Gone with the Wind where Rhett Butler warns everybody at the barbecue that there's not a cannon factory in the entire South.

The South Carolina primary got nasty toward the end on Thursday. One hate group got its dirty campaign literature mixed up. They passed out flyers which brought up John McCain's past cocaine use and accused Barack Obama of fathering a black child.

Oprah Winfrey got her own cable network Monday to add to Oprah's talk show and Oprah's magazine, Oprah's book club, Oprah's girls school and Oprah's presidential candidate. She's almost there. She just signed a deal with eye surgeons to have her image put on the back of everyone's eyelids so that we even see Oprah in our sleep.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio