Argus Hamilton's column for 1-2-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Iowa Caucuses are held tomorrow after a hard-fought campaign. Hollywood is watching very closely. When the Los Angeles Times headlined Monday that Hillary was in a three-way with Obama and Edwards, everyone here figured that turnabout is fair play.

New York celebrated the New Year Monday in Times Square, where the crystal ball dropped seventy-seven feet at midnight. The Realtors were stunned. When they put the ball up on the market at seventy-seven they expected it to sell for seventy-seven.

David Boren is hosting centrists like Chuck Hegel, Sam Nunn, John Danforth and Christie Whitman in Oklahoma this weekend. It's a Tory plot to run Mayor Mike Bloomberg for president. They want to elect a Jewish president to win a bet that the next president couldn't possibly get us into any more trouble in the Middle East than George Bush has.

The Las Vegas Strip held its annual block party on New Year's Eve. It's an American showcase. The money that's wasted on gasoline added to the money that's wasted on gambling shows that we have the most representative form of government in the world.

The Atlanta Falcons hosted the Seattle Seahawks Sunday in Atlanta. The pre-game show was a fight to the death between the Seahawk and Falcon mascots. It's the closest they could come to a salute to Michael Vick without getting fined by the commissioner.

Hollywood movie producer Jon Peters was served Friday with two sex-harassment lawsuits. One plaintiff is his office maid and the other plaintiff is his housemaid in Malibu. Under Hollywood law he could be convicted because he didn't kill them.

California enacted a new law requiring drivers to use hands-free cellphones starting in July. Life is distracting enough as it is. Too often lately we've all been talking into our pistols and aiming our cellphones at each other on the freeway.

NASA released a six-year confidential survey of airline pilots Monday. The pilots said overscheduling and faulty equipment and incompetent controllers are a widespread problem. It is the first instinct of every alcoholic to blame others for his troubles.

Hillary Clinton apologized Monday to Rwandan women maimed in tribal violence ten years ago. She said she urged her husband to do something about it but he backed away. When she confronted him about Rwanda, all he'd say is that he never touched her.

Ron Paul ruffled a few feathers last week by calling Abe Lincoln a warmonger. Then a state-by-state poll said the entire South and Mountain West agreed with him. If nothing else, it shows it'll be awhile before Sunnis and Shiites let bygones be bygones.

Mike Huckabee said Monday he won't resort to negative campaigning as he showed reporters the latest negative commercial he's decided not to air. His craftiness is sprinkled with occasional self-pity. The Nixon Library is consulting with Elvis Presley Enterprises to see if they are entitled to royalties from these impersonators.

Chelsea Clinton refused to answer questions from a nine-year-old girl reporter in Iowa. The little reporter just shook her head. Chelsea will never get her own sitcom on Nickelodeon until she learns to talk to the press about family sex scandals.

Pakistani opposition leaders refused Monday to agree with the government version of Benazir Bhutto's death. Clearly she was shot but the government claims she hit her head on the sunroof. No one wants to say the subcontinent is a tough crowd, but those man-eating tigers got into the San Francisco Zoo as political refugees from Islamabad.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio