Argus Hamilton's column for 1-16-08

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Britney Spears caused a riot Monday when she arrived hours late at Los Angeles Court for her child custody hearing. It had its effect on the ruling. The judge seemed to agree that the infant boys are no longer capable of caring for their mother.

Peyton Manning appeared in a cookie commercial with brother Eli Manning during Sunday's football game that many viewers found creepy. The two grown men competed to lick the creme off a cookie. It made the Tony Awards look like a John Wayne movie.

Princess Diana's butler told an inquest Monday that Diana's mother called her a whore for dating Muslim men. The princess descended from one of England's noblest families. Only the beer lines at Daytona have more Earls in it than the Spencer family.

The White House tried to calm the currency markets on Monday after rising gold prices added to fears of a coming recession. The dollar hit a new low. Ever since George Washington went to Cabo San Lucas with Jessica Simpson, he's been off his game.

Dallas Cowboys star Terrell Owens cried at his press conference Sunday after losing to the New York Giants. He got a lot of support. Hillary Clinton called him in the locker room and told him that if he really wants to win he should cry before the game.

Bill and Hillary Clinton went on the air Sunday to defuse black outrage at them over remarks on race. It was great fun. The best show in politics is watching the Clintons hanging upside-down in a straitjacket and seeing if they can get out alive.

Hillary Clinton hosted a staff meeting in the Polo Lounge of the Beverly Hills Hotel on Friday. The bar offers a twenty-five dollar martini. It's made with two ounces of Bombay gin and a splash of unleaded supreme, so they are selling it at cost.

Barack Obama called a press conference in Reno Monday to try to calm down the tone in his primary contest with Hillary Clinton. It pits a candidate from the oppressor gender and victim race against someone from the oppressor race and victim gender. It has Democrats spinning in circles so fast they're too dizzy to vote.

Barack Obama said Monday Hillary Clinton's reference to Martin Luther King last week was unfortunate. She said it took President Johnson and Congress to get the Civil Rights Bill passed forty years ago. It is totally against the spirit of today's Democratic party to say anything nice about a president with a ranch in Texas.

BET founder Bob Johnson brought up Barack Obama's past cocaine use in a speech Tuesday. The candidate was raised in Los Angeles in the atmosphere of the late Seventies. Barack Obama was halfway through Harvard before he found out that blow is also a verb.

President Bush arrived in Riyadh Monday and announced the approval of advanced weapons sales to the kingdom. It was his first visit to Saudi Arabia. For crying out loud, he's been president for seven years, it's about time he met with the owners.

The Globe tabloid quoted two White House sources who allege President Bush is drinking again. He's making progress in other areas. In March he will receive a birthday cake at his Countries Anonymous meeting because he hasn't taken a country in five years.

The Pentagon backed off its claim that Iranian Navy speedboats threatened over the radio in a silly Darth Vader voice to ram U.S. Navy ships and destroy them in the Persian Gulf. All you have to do is look at the video. If the Iranian speedboat crews had been suicide bombers they wouldn't have been wearing orange life vests.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio