Argus Hamilton's column for 1-13-08

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo went to Mexico with teammates before today's game with New York. It was an audible. No one thought of going to Mexico just before a big game until Roger Clemens gave the team a pep talk and told them never to trust a trainer.

Congress moved baseball's steroid hearings back a month Thursday. They want to depose players under oath before they testify. Roger Clemens' lawyer told him to take the fifth, but he's afraid the Wild Turkey will interact with the steroids and kill him.

The PGA Tour published its anti-doping manual for players last week, which lists banned substances. Along with steroids the list includes hemorrhoid creams. That means the older Tiger Woods gets, the harder it's going to be for him to sit on a lead.

Sir Edmund Hillary died at home in New Zealand Thursday. He was the first ever to scale Mt. Everest fifty years ago. When the newspaper landed on Bill Clinton's driveway with the headline Hillary Dead, he called Hooters and asked if they do wakes.

Fox News anchor Brit Hume moderated a GOP debate Thursday and he snarled every time Ron Paul was cheered for demanding for a pullout from Iraq. The network must keep the war going for the ratings. Who's going to watch Nursery Stories with Oliver North?

Britney Spears vacationed in Mexico Wednesday with the photographer who picked her up on Sunset Boulevard the day before, when her Mercedes-Benz had a flat. She is just using him. Most cupholders are inanimate objects on the driver's armrest.

President Bush embarked on a week-long trip to the Middle East Wednesday. He plans to visit eight countries throughout the region and apply his unique talents to the quest for peace. The president began in Israel on Wednesday, where he uprooted a tree.

Iran aired its video and audio of the naval confrontation with the U.S. Thursday showing that nothing happened. The U.S. tape ends with a deep theatrical voice promising an explosion. James Earl Jones was waterboarded for an hour before he agreed to record it.

Senator John Kerry endorsed Barack Obama for president on Tuesday. He has real credibility in the party. He lost the presidential race four years ago when any idiot could have beaten President Bush, but John Kerry proved he's not just any idiot.

Karl Rove wrote a Wall Street Journal editorial in which he called Barack Obama lazy. He said the senator is given to misstatements and exaggeration and bluffing. There's no doubt Karl Rove thinks Barack Obama has what it takes to fight the Iraq War.

Barack Obama addressed crowds in New Jersey and South Carolina after Tuesday's loss. He said America is ready for a new generation of leadership. Hillary Clinton immediately called her agent and told him she is not ready to play the Bob Dole roles.

Hillary Clinton thanked New Hampshire voters on Tuesday for nudging her into being less programmed onstage. She insisted that she's spontaneous and unscripted now. It would have been more convincing if she hadn't put on her glasses to read it.

The Justice Department said phone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps because the bureau doesn't pay its phone bills. It's a win-win-win. Conservatives applaud the return of privacy rights, liberals are happy to thwart the FBI, and terrorists can go back to having phone sex without fear of being embarrassed at their military tribunals.


Copyright 2008 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio