Argus Hamilton's column for 12-31-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

It's time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here's part one, come back tomorrow for part two.

JANUARY - New York City rang in the New Year with one million people partying together in Times Square. A new study says seventy percent of all working adults give something to a friend at a New Year's party. The good news is, it's usually treatable.

Saddam Hussein was hanged on New Year's Day and it aired worldwide thanks to cell phone cameras. The message was clear. Admit you have weapons of mass destruction whether you have them or not, or you could replace Benny Goodman as the King of Swing.

FEBRUARY - Barack Obama announced his presidential candidacy from the Abe Lincoln Library in Illinois. It's an odd place to launch his campaign. If Americans want a president who can take the country into a civil war we can keep the one we've got.

The Wall Street Journal reported that Bank of America has begun offering major credit cards to illegal aliens. These people work hard, save their money and buy only the things they can afford. This must stop if they want to be Americans.

MARCH - The World Cricket Cup was saddened when Pakistan coach Bob Woolmer died after losing a match. He instilled team toughness. The Pakistani team was beaten by three wickets and they still wouldn't tell the CIA where Osama bin Laden is hiding.

President Bush called for a guest-worker program for twelve million illegal aliens and for political refugees. Asylum seekers vow they are determined to remain in America and live free. Now all they have to do is qualify for disability.

APRIL - Prime Minister Tony Blair welcomed home fifteen British sailors after two weeks of captivity in Iran. It's a miracle. They were released after Britain and Iran engaged in diplomacy, or as it is known in the Bush administration, women's work.

Martin Sheen was arrested for protesting government silence over the danger of the Nevada Test Site. He wore duct tape over his mouth. He wants the world to know that there is still a member of the Sheen family who can breathe though his nose.

MAY - Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey revealed the rules she enforces on her call girls. Every date must end in two hours. Debbie Palfrey is the only one in Washington with a timetable for withdrawal both Democrats and Republicans can agree on.

Queen Elizabeth arrived at the White House for dinner to finish off her state visit. It was memorable. The Queen was barely out of the car when President Bush congratulated her on winning the Academy Award for Best Actress three months ago.

JUNE - President Bush stuck to his guns against Democrats and insisted that if the U.S. leaves Iraq, the terrorists will follow us home. We should entice them to follow us home. If the real estate market doesn't kill them, the gasoline prices will.

The Democratic Party presidential candidates debated and pointed fingers at each other's Iraq war vote. They all tried in vain to get Hillary Clinton to admit she was wrong. This woman doesn't admit her mistakes, she stays married to them.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-30-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Barron Hilton said Wednesday he'll leave his fortune to the Conrad Hilton Foundation. It funds adult literacy programs, housing for the mentally ill and treatment for substance abuse. In other words, Paris Hilton convinced her granddad to leave everything to her.

The San Francisco Zoo was termed a crime scene Wednesday after a tiger attacked zoo patrons. It doesn't seem possible. The cat had to jump a fifteen-foot moat and a twenty-foot-high fence, and that was just to get into the United States from Mexico.

Ronald Reagan's personal recipe for New Year's eggnog was discovered recently in an old article in the Los Angeles Times. The Gipper made his eggnog with three parts cream and three parts alcohol. He always did believe in peace through strength.

The White House stood by General Musharraf after Benazir Bhutto's assassination in Pakistan Thursday. His job's secure. The last thing we would ever do is overthrow a Middle East dictator with a mustache and weapons of mass destruction a second time.

Benazir Bhutto was assassinated as she campaigned for president of Pakistan Thursday by a gunman on a bicycle. It set off alarm bells in Washington. Within the hour, President Bush hid his mountain bike up in the attic until this thing blows over.

Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd through the sunroof of her car. It's a campaign issue. Hillary called for calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous.

Mike Huckabee misspoke Thursday while reacting to Benazir Bhutto's death. He offered the people of Pakistan America's apologies. For the next hour his staff had him at the blackboard spelling potato just to prove to reporters he's not another Dan Quayle.

Benazir Bhutto's assassin blew himself up alongside the car after he had fired his gun. Only one person in the car survived the blast. If this had happened in Los Angeles the cops would have rushed in and cited the driver for a carpool lane violation.

CNN's Wolf Blitzer revealed Thursday that Benazir Bhutto sent him a letter to be opened only if she ever got killed. She knew what would happen. It prompted Bill Clinton to send Wolf Blitzer a letter to be opened only if Hillary ever catches him cheating.

Barack Obama's campaign blamed Benazir Bhutto's killing on the regional instability caused by the war in Iraq for which Hillary voted. Both candidates know a thing or two about local leaders being gunned down in the streets. They are both from Chicago.

China was reported Thursday to have received help from U.S. companies to build the world's most elaborate public surveillance system to spy on Olympic visitors. It's no threat to civil liberties. The Chinese will never learn how to work the thing with all the technical-support people out marching in the streets of Pakistan.

President Bush signed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill Wednesday. It lifts the federal ban on needle exchange programs in the nation's capital. The Washington Nationals don't pay much and their home-run hitters must cut corners wherever they can.

New Jersey's governor signed a new law Thursday that limits the time convicted sex offenders can spend on the Internet. You can't make it up. New Jersey just became the first state to tell sexual predators to get out in the fresh air and spend more time on the playground.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-28-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

San Francisco Zoo officials struggled Wednesday to explain how a Siberian tiger jumped a fence and attacked zoo visitors. You know how it is with tigers. You can pet a tiger, you can feed a tiger, but you should never ask to see a tiger's Vegas act.

The Bucket List starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman opens tonight. It's about two dying men trying to fulfill their fantasies while their cancers are in remission. In a miracle at the end of the movie each of them is able to sell his home.

Major League Baseball said Monday season ticket sales for next year are way up over last year's pace. You know what this means. George Mitchell was asked to test everyone in baseball for performance-enhancing drugs except the ticket sales operators.

The NFL agreed to plant thousands of trees in Arizona to offset the greenhouse gas emissions from the Super Bowl. It's a trend. The NBA will plant life insurance companies in New Orleans to offset all the shootings during the NBA's All-Star weekend.

Los Angeles erupted in brushfires on Christmas Eve, making last-minute shopping miserable with heat and smoke. Everyone thought they were in hell. People in Los Angeles always feel that way whenever they have to spend money on someone besides themselves.

John McCain ran new television ads in South Carolina Wednesday touting his war record. He was shot down, he was captured, he was tortured and he talked. John McCain running on his war record is like Teddy Kennedy running on his driving record.

Mike Huckabee went hunting in Iowa and said it is a misconception that hunters destroy wildlife. He said shooting wildlife preserves it. It's a coded message to the defense establishment that the Iraq policy will stay the same if he becomes president.

John Edwards said Wednesday he's the candidate who sounds most like a president, reminding a crowd that Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton had accents just like his. It's impolite to say so. Every four years both political parties play Let's Pretend with women and minorities, and then the voters show up and nominate the Southern white guy.

Saddam Hussein's yacht went on sale Monday for thirty-four million dollars. It has bulletproof glass and a mini-sub attached under the flooring for an emergency escape. It's built like the lobby of every bank in California that makes mortgage loans.

President Bush was voted Most Admired Man in America Wednesday. He finished just ahead of Bill Clinton. It's such an appalling drop in standards that Masterpiece Theatre is changing its name to Slutty War Stories just to stay on the air in America.

Hillary Clinton was named Most Admired Woman in the Gallup Poll Wednesday ahead of Oprah and Queen Elizabeth. It doesn't mean she'll be president. If people told pollsters the truth, Britney Spears would have won this award for the last five years.

President Bush signed the five-hundred-billion-dollar spending bill Wednesday while flying home to his Texas ranch. He had no choice but to sign it on Air Force One. The plane had to stop for refueling and nobody had enough money to fill the tank.

Russia held missile tests Wednesday in response to the new U.S. anti-missile base in Poland. High oil prices are letting Russia re-arm. How can anyone say President Bush hasn't done anything to reduce global warming when he's re-started the Cold War?


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-27-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Queen Elizabeth gave her Christmas Day message on YouTube Tuesday. It got big ratings. She just became the oldest monarch in British history and everyone tuned in to see if she'd address the allegations that she used steroids to break the record.

Roger Clemens declared Sunday he will answer steroid charges on CBS' 60 Minutes this week. No one wants to think he compiled a winning record using performance enhancers. The telecast is sponsored by Cialis and Corvette and the Hair Club for Men.

Nickelodeon's Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by Republicans Monday for deciding to have her baby even though it could end the teenager's acting career. Her family says she is perfectly willing to have a baby. She's just waiting for the right script.

Great Britain passed a ban on motorists talking on their cell phone while they drive last week. It could cost lives. Drive-by shootings in Los Angeles are down ninety percent ever since cell phones gave people something else to do at stop lights.

President Bush telephoned U.S. soldiers and U.S. Marines and U.S. sailors stationed in the Middle East and in the Persian Gulf Tuesday to give them a personal pep talk. This is getting old very fast. Some of these guys were sent there to overthrow Saladin.

Turkish warplanes bombed Kurdish rebels in northern Iraq Monday, causing increased tensions between Iraq and Turkey and the United States. President Bush's brand-new yoga instructor turned out to be right. If he can just relax, the wars will come to him.

Pope Benedict was cheered by a crowd in St. Peter's Square after Christmas Mass Tuesday. He spoke in his native tongue. It was a bit unsettling to see hundreds of thousands of people going nuts over a German speaking to them from a balcony again.

The FBI said Monday it will award a contract to develop a nationwide database of everybody's palm print, face, fingerprints and retina. The FBI said people who are innocent have nothing to fear. You could ask Richard Jewell except that he's dead.

Fred Thompson didn't even appear on his Christmas commercial as he searches for a way to pull out of his dive. First he was a lawyer, then he was an actor, and now he is a politician. The descent into hell is easy, it's climbing out that's tough.

The New Hampshire primary poll tightened Monday with no clear leader in either party. The whole world is watching. Every time John McCain gains five more points in the polls the people who live near nuclear plants in Iran decide to live for today.

The Concord Monitor in New Hampshire called Mitt Romney a phony Monday. He had said his father marched with Martin Luther King. A lot of Southern sheriffs' sons can say they same thing, but they don't usually admit it unless they've been drinking.

Rudy Giuliani had to assure reporters Monday he's perfectly healthy. The press has been grilling him about tests done in a St. Louis hospital last week. Apparently someone in Hillary's campaign is spreading rumors that he tested positive for cocaine.

Democratic officials expressed worry Monday about how to get first-time caucus goers to show up at the Iowa caucuses next week. The candidates worry their people have promised to show up but they won't keep their promises. What goes around comes around.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-26-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Roger Clemens announced Sunday he's agreed to answer steroid charges with Mike Wallace on CBS' 60 Minutes next week. It could last all hour. Mike Wallace is very interested in anything that can help a guy keep working past the usual retirement age.

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears was praised by social conservatives Monday for deciding to have her baby. Everyone says she's the responsible sister. If the pattern holds, Jamie Lynn will be governor of Florida when Britney's elected president.

New England Patriots star Tom Brady was voted Athlete of the Year Friday. Everybody thinks he has presidential aspirations. He recently asked his coach to switch to the T-formation so that whenever he's on television there's a cross over his shoulder.

Mike Huckabee said the glowing cross over his shoulder in his Christmas ad was accidental. He says that's just how the light hit a bookcase behind him. As long as Mike Huckabee is campaigning, how can Burger King call itself the Home of the Whopper?

GOP candidate Ron Paul was on Meet the Press on Sunday. He explained his views that the income tax should be abolished, that U.S. troops should be brought home immediately from Iraq, and that Abraham Lincoln was a warmonger. The next morning Ron Paul jumped fourteen points in South Carolina and nobody in the press could figure out why.

Barack Obama said as president he'd test toys made in China for lead. It causes cognitive impairment in children. For everyone who thinks that Baby Boomers turned out the way we did from the marijuana, guess again, it was the lead in the Tinker Toys.

Hillary Clinton promised to fulfill America's promise to veterans at the Iowa Veterans Home in Marshalltown. She once tried to enlist in the Marines in the early Seventies, but she was turned down. They told her we weren't that mad at the Viet Cong.

Rudy Giuliani had a great time campaigning in a New Hampshire bar Sunday where he converted a few John McCain voters. He converted them to Giuliani voters, not to Jesus. You've never seen a New Yorker so glad to be out of Iowa and South Carolina.

Queen Elizabeth launched her own YouTube channel Sunday with clips of her life in Buckingham Palace. She just gave her annual Christmas address. Queen Elizabeth is the head of her very own church, like all wealthy grandmothers with large families.

The Bush administration issued brand-new rules Friday that eliminate Medicaid reimbursement to schools for transportation costs of disabled students. Disabled rights activists were left speechless by the decision. So much for no child left behind.

President Bush warned reporters on Thursday about the danger of Iran's nuclear program. He really shouldn't worry. If history is any guide, Iran will use its nuclear power for peaceful purposes, unless somebody draws a cartoon they don't like.

Reagan administration officials said Sunday the film Charlie Wilson's War is politically slanted and tells the story of the covert Afghan war just from the left side. That is not fair. People who partied with Charlie Wilson say he used both nostrils equally.

Russia's President Vladimir Putin was selected Time magazine's Person of the Year Thursday. He's been looking for even more ways to consolidate his power. Last night in a dream Stalin told him to shoot all the democrats and paint the Kremlin steps blue, but there is no way the Russian people would stand for him painting the Kremlin.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-25-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Merry Christmas, and how's everybody?

Tony Blair formally converted to Roman Catholicism on Friday at a mass held in London. It didn't surprise his friends. After persuading Americans to support the invasion of Iraq he was so filled with guilt he had to either turn Catholic or Jewish.

White Christmas was voted America's favorite holiday movie in an Entertainment Weekly poll. These movies are priceless. Other favorites on the list were Holiday Inn, It's a Wonderful Life, and everyone's favorite holiday movie in Los Angeles, Blow.

Jessica Simpson caused a huge debate in Dallas Friday after her boyfriend Tony Romo had a bad game with her there. She was a big distraction for the Cowboy leader. You can bet she won't be sitting next to Laura Bush at the State of the Union address.

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears said last week she's pregnant and will have the baby out of wedlock. Her sister Britney Spears should have a long talk with her. Jamie Lynn is only sixteen, she doesn't know the first thing about child neglect.

The House Oversight Committee counsel said Friday the committee may call Major League ballplayers to testify before Congress about steroids. The players are sure to ask for immunity. If they think it comes in a needle you can't keep them away from it.

Charlie Wilson's War got rave reviews as a comedy set during the Cold War. The world was safer then. During the Cold War, world peace depended on the balance of power between the U.S. and Russia, while today it depends on the president's blood sugar level.

The White House warned of storm clouds on the economic horizon Thursday. There are signs of recession. This year on Charlie Brown's Christmas, Lucy foreclosed on Snoopy's doghouse when he couldn't make the payments on his sub-prime adjustable loan.

House Democrats adjourned Congress Friday with approval ratings even lower than the president's. It's just awful. If congressmen weren't allowed to wear their pants any higher than their approval ratings, they'd all be doing Bill Clinton impressions.

Rudy Giuliani was hospitalized in St. Louis Thursday when he suddenly felt very ill. There was a delay getting him to the hospital. When Rudy Giuliani shouted at his aides to call 911 they told him polls show people are sick of hearing about it.

Judge Royce Lamberth decided Friday to allow Dick Cheney to keep his visitor logs secret while he appeals the order to unseal them. The damage is done. It was a shame the vice president's office had to catch on fire if he was going to get the ruling anyway.

President Bush used his weekly radio address on Saturday to praise U.S. military families for their charity and their compassion. It's personal to him. He thought for sure they would have stormed the White House and tried to restore democracy by now.

Barack Obama complained Thursday about his opponents bringing up his past drug use. He admits using cocaine, but he now acts wounded if anyone brings it up. Iowa voters are very upset that he used cocaine, they believe he should have used ethanol.

Hillary Clinton campaigned in New Hampshire Saturday in the lobby of a YWCA in the town of Manchester. She's always had a soft spot in her heart for New Hampshire. The state's motto is Live Free or Die, and Bill had it inserted in their marriage vows.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-24-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Christmas Day begins the busiest week of the year for air travel in the United States. The delay is endless. Santa Claus may not be able to get down the chimney at the Spears family house in Los Angeles tonight, what with five storks ahead of him.

The Chicago Cubs were put on sale for a billion dollars on Friday by their new owner Sam Zell, who also wants to sell naming rights to Wrigley Field. He just bought the Tribune, which owns the historic club. Every year by Mother's Day they are history.

Mitt Romney admitted to reporters Friday he never saw his late father Governor George Romney march with Martin Luther King in the Sixties, as he claims in campaign literature. His dad was a very wealthy automobile executive. He never walked anywhere.

Washington D.C. lawyers for terror suspects said the destroyed CIA interrogation tapes prove their clients were tortured. It seems unfair. One guy has to answer twenty-year-old drug charges, and the Clintons want to know why he is leading in Iowa.

Bill and Hillary Clinton spent the weekend campaigning separately. It's a good tandem. While Hillary was in Iowa offering free health care Saturday, Bill was in Texas offering to take Jessica Simpson off Tony Romo's hands til after the Super Bowl.

Charlie Wilson's War opened Friday, about a hard-drinking and coke-snorting and womanizing U.S. congressman who secretly helped Muslim rebels beat the Soviet Army in Afghanistan in the Eighties. In the end he felt betrayed. He helped Ronald Reagan to defeat the Soviets and then Nancy Reagan thanked him by overthrowing his lifestyle.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates reported back to Washington Friday following his fact-finding mission to Iraq. Despite recent military success, the government remains completely dysfunctional. Perhaps the United States isn't ready for democracy.

Rudy Giuliani ordered his New York-bound plane to turn around and return to St. Louis where he was hospitalized Wednesday. He insisted on going to Barnes Jewish Hospital. He did not want any of Mike Huckabee's people standing near the oxygen hose.

Mike Huckabee accused GOP elites of ignoring evangelical Christians Friday. He said elites look down their noses at them. Huckabee was born poor in Arkansas, and he apparently got into the Republican Party due to an error by the membership committee.

Condi Rice denounced Mike Huckabee's critique of President Bush's foreign policy Friday. He said the president's foreign policy has a bunker mentality. Reporters were able to question Condi Rice about it after she came upstairs to get a can opener.

A U.S. Navy judge ruled Thursday that Osama bin Laden's driver can be tried by a Guantanamo tribunal as a terrorist. He was captured six years ago with surface-to-air missiles in his car. He could get a reduction in his sentence for buying American.

NASA said Friday an asteroid is on a path to collide with Mars next month. The White House is monitoring the situation. People have been wondering if there's any water on Mars, but if the asteroid goes deep enough we'll find out if there's any oil.

The White House was evacuated Wednesday when a fire broke out in Dick Cheney's vice presidential office in the Executive Office Building, across the street from the West Wing. The cause of the fire was apparent. The shredder overheated again.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-23-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney's office was destroyed by fire Wednesday, one day after his visitor logs were ordered unsealed by a judge. There were two injuries. A Marine was hurt when he leaped out of a window to safety and G. Gordon Liddy was injured setting the fire.

The Writers Guild strike reached its sixth week in Hollywood Friday with both sides nowhere near a deal. The nation is starving for scripted entertainment. The late-night shows have no jokes and the White House has no rationale for invading Iran.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams said Wednesday the Nativity Scene as shown on Christmas cards is a fiction. People see it differently. The Nativity Scene in front of the Beverly Hills courthouse shows three lawyers standing around a car wreck.

Charlie Wilson's War with Tom Hanks is about a U.S. Congressman twenty years ago who secretly funded a war against the Soviets in Afghanistan. He was a Democrat who drank, womanized and really hated communism. There used to be a lot of Democrats like that in Congress but they were all kicked out for having Confederate flags on their bumpers.

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that John Edwards got a young lady pregnant while campaigning for president this summer. This can only mean one thing. John Edwards has decided he won't concede the adultery vote to the Clintons without a fight.

Tony Blair guest-starred in the White House's annual Christmas video that gently pokes fun at President Bush. It was comforting to see the former prime minister as ever standing by the president. He was always the Kevin Federline of the relationship.

President Bush held an end-of-year news conference Thursday where he complained to reporters that Congress had wasted time and taxpayers' money. They spend a huge amount of cash on pork. Now you know why Alaska's state motto is The Other White Meat.

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears announced Monday that she's pregnant by her nineteen-year-old boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with her values. She will raise the child in Louisiana where sixteen-year-old mothers are the grande dames of the PTA.

New Orleans had street riots Thursday when the city approved the demolition of slums for new dwellings. The cops battled the angry residents with stun guns. This is the only city in the South that looks on trailer parks as attempted gentrification.

Physical Optics Corporation in California said Wednesday it has made a hand-held device that can help Homeland Security see through walls. They developed see-in-the-dark technology by experimenting on lobsters. The very idea of experimenting on lobsters has Republican caterers angry enough to enlist in the animal rights movement.

Parliament passed a law Friday that jails Britons two years for talking on the cell phone while driving. It's the same jail sentence for text-messaging while driving. The Los Angeles Times ran the story right next to Saudi jailers whipping rape victims.

Ron Paul will appear on NBC's Meet the Press today. They booked him after his huge haul in last week's web fundraiser. Until Ron Paul raised six million dollars in one day on the Internet, everyone thought the Nigerian lottery was just a scam.

The U.S. Embassy in Baghdad is investigating reports that Blackwater guards shot and killed a dog guarding the New York Times headquarters in Iraq. It's a new low. Richard Nixon threatened the media's broadcast licenses, but he never shot their dogs.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-21-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears announced Tuesday that she's pregnant at the age of sixteen. Her mother is already trying to sell the baby's pictures. There's one of Jamie Lynn in the bathtub taken last week that she thinks will sell for a hundred grand.

The White House was evacuated Wednesday when a fire broke out in the Executive Office Building next door. It took hours to put out. That's because Congress shut off the water at the White House to make sure the interrogations stayed within limits.

Time magazine named Vladimir Putin Person of the Year on Wednesday. He owes his entire career to the magazine's parent company Time Warner. Most people get a lot of laughs when they first see Arsenic and Old Lace, but Vladimir Putin got the recipe.

Florida State University coach Bobby Bowden banned twenty-five of his football players from New Year's Eve's Music City Bowl over a classroom cheating scandal. He's so disappointed in the players. They are only supposed to cheat on the steroids tests.

Alex Rodriguez hired agent Guy Oseary to handle his career Tuesday. He manages rock stars in Hollywood. Nowadays nothing is more important for a ballplayer than having a representative with experience keeping drug allegations out of the newspaper.

NASA astronomers witnessed one galaxy blasting a jet of radiation into another galaxy Wednesday. They never saw such galactic violence. We don't know if there's intelligent life in the universe, but we know they settle their disputes over oil just like we do.

The New York Times said Wednesday four of President Bush's White House lawyers knew about the CIA torture tapes and debated what to do with them. Someone decided to destroy them. If there's one thing Republicans have learned in thirty-five years it is how to keep the president from having to resign halfway through his second term.

The U.S. Senate passed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill on Wednesday with no timeline for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq. In the end they voted to continue waging permanent war. The Vikings not only discovered America, they marked it for life.

Washington's Fire Chief on Wednesday praised the federal employees who escaped from the burning Executive Office Building for their smooth evacuation. Everyone was told not to think, just follow. So it was a typical day in the Bush administration.

Rudy Giuliani gave an interview Wednesday and cited threats against him by the mob as the reason he had to give police protection to his mistress. He knows both sides. The difference between the Mafia and the government is that one of them is organized.

Congress heard testimony from an American woman Wednesday who said she was drugged and gang-raped in Iraq by her fellow Halliburton workers. The congressmen are just outraged. Dick Cheney had no authority to sentence her to two hundred lashes.

Turkey sent troops into Iraq Tuesday to try to track down rebel Kurds responsible for violence. So another country has decided to invade Iraq. Apparently our Mission Accomplished banner has been replaced by one that says Come On In, the Quagmire's Fine.

Connecticut police arrested a woman for sexual assault Tuesday after she was accused of groping Santa Claus at Danbury Mall. She groped him before their snapshot was taken. Sometimes figuring out who is naughty and who's nice is not all that difficult.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-20-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Fidel Castro indicated Monday he's ready to step down from power in Cuba. He's suffering from gastro-intestinal problems. President Bush is going to throw a fit when it dawns on him that all it takes to overthrow a brutal dictator is Mexican food.

Japan's navy held a missile-defense exercise with the U.S. Navy Tuesday and shot down a dummy missile heading for Japan from the general direction of North Korea. You can't make it up. The United States is trying to protect Japan from a surprise attack.

New Hampshire will allow gay couples to have civil union ceremonies beginning New Year's Day. Republicans have begun re-thinking their opposition to same-sex marriage. It may be the only way to keep Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte from having to testify against each other.

Roger Clemens was canceled as the speaker at a Texas sports banquet on Tuesday following the Mitchell Report. It's just as well. He was going to talk about his workout routine, but no one cares anymore whether he rolls up his sleeve or bends over.

Ron Paul set a fundraising record with six million dollars in one day Sunday. He's for a pullout from Iraq, abolishing the IRS and legalizing pot. Eighteen-year-olds got the vote thirty-five years ago but this is the first time they've considered using it.

Mike Huckabee aired an ad Monday that shows a cross shining over his shoulder. No one ever admits to subliminal advertising. Wal-Mart denies that running an endless loop of sentimental Christmas music is a secret plot to sell prescription anti-depressants.

Mike Huckabee was asked to explain his belief in creationism Monday. He stated he believes that God created the earth in six days, however he's not sure how long a day was in the Book of Genesis. The next day he was banned from Kansas for doubting.

The National Enquirer said Wednesday that John Edwards has a pregnant girlfriend who has gone into hiding for the duration of the campaign. It would finish him if he got some girl pregnant. He has been claiming for years that he's a protectionist.

Rudy Giuliani's third wife Judi Nathan was reported Monday to have terrible poll numbers because female voters regard her as a homewrecker. Rudy's thinking of replacing her with Elizabeth Edwards. She polls better and the Enquirer says she's about to be available.

Fred Thompson told Republicans Tuesday he wants to be the horse they ride to the White House. He said they just need to saddle him up. It's ad-libbing like this that makes the Writers Guild feel like they've got the upper hand in the strike talks.

Afghanistan reported a record poppy harvest Monday, threatening a worldwide increase in opium. It's about to be a campaign issue. Hillary Clinton wants it known that a Muslim country with a drug problem is in no way a veiled reference to Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton admitted Monday that it's not her nature to reveal her true feelings and her true self to complete strangers. Her admission was as Methodist as it was shrewdly calculated. She's decided to target the voters who can't stand Oprah Winfrey.

Bill Clinton said Tuesday that once Hillary's elected president she'll send him and former President Bush around the world to repair America's destroyed image. It was a very presumptuous thing to say. Former President Bush is not going to go around the world and apologize for his son's foreign policy, he's only going to Saudi Arabia.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-19-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Magna Carta was sold at auction in New York City Tuesday. It was signed by King John eight centuries ago and established that the king is not above the law. In the auction catalogue, Dick Cheney describes the document as just a piece of paper.

Las Vegas approved a museum to honor the gangsters who built the casinos. It's no match for the life insurance racket. In that business you bet them you're going to die, they bet you you're going to live, then you pay them a fortune hoping they win.

Ron Paul set an all-time record Sunday for the most money raised in one day by a presidential candidate with a six-million-dollar haul. It's unprecedented. It's the only record to be broken all year without the help of performance-enhancing drugs.

The Mitchell Report on Thursday named eighty-five players who used performance-enhancing drugs, including twenty-two New York Yankees and seventeen New York Mets. The drugs make you muscle-bound and filled with rage. Everyone in New York is on them.

The New England Patriots beat the New York Jets Sunday. This victory put their coach's cheating scandal to rest. As much as the people of Massachusetts love Bill Belichick it's hard to believe they were the only state to vote against Richard Nixon.

Iowa churches were filled with presidential candidates Sunday who were trying to win over undecided voters. They were really on the wrong track. Every survey shows that people are waiting for the forty-percent discount before they buy anything.

Hillary Clinton denied any role in bringing up Barack Obama's past cocaine use. Her pal Bob Kerrey said he only mentioned that Barack's middle name was Hussein as a compliment. Tune in next week when they assure Senator Barbara Mikulski they don't tell Polish jokes.

David Letterman cut a deal with the Writers Guild Monday letting him return in two weeks, as will Jay Leno. The public is thrilled. These last six weeks will be known as a time in television history so bleak that Mike Huckabee was considered funny.

GOP candidate Mike Huckabee's family problems came to light Monday. Opposition researchers found out that Governor Huckabee's son was once accused of hanging a stray dog at his Boy Scout camp in Arkansas. He was earning a merit badge in interrogations.

Mike Huckabee criticized President Bush Saturday, saying he has had an arrogant foreign policy. It's a major turn in his life. The good news is, he can have his own Episcopal Church in three years if he can get into seminary and pass all the tests.

Saudi King Abdullah pardoned the raped woman who was sentenced to two hundred lashes for being with a man in public. The case was poisoning his international relations. What good is hundred-dollar-per-barrel oil if every girl in Paris is afraid to look at you?

U.N. peacekeepers who patrol Haiti were found Monday to be paying teenage girls a dollar and fifteen cents in Australian currency to have sex with them. It's a huge scandal. The U.S. dollar is so worthless even teenage prostitutes in Haiti won't take it.

The Border Patrol fired tear gas over the Mexican border Monday in retaliation against Mexicans throwing bottles at them. Both sides have tear gas. The next time these agents order special sauce at Taco Bell they had better not be in uniform.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-18-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Santa Claus was in shopping malls nationwide Sunday asking kids what they want for Christmas. It's an important ritual in America to take kids to see Santa at the mall. It trains them to believe campaign promises when they're old enough to vote.

The Mitchell Report on Thursday named eighty-five players who used performance-enhancing drugs. No one is sure how far steroid use has spread. As soon as Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte began playing in Houston, oil prices started breaking records.

The NFL said Sunday it destroyed New England's illegally-made videotape of New York Jets signals, just like the CIA destroyed its incriminating tapes. Of course, there is no comparison between the CIA and the Patriots. The Patriots are undefeated.

Charlie Wilson's War is a true story of a U.S. congressman who secretly funneled millions of taxpayer dollars to save Afghanistan from the Soviets thirty years ago. What a waste. If we'd known then what we know now, we could have let the Russians keep Afghanistan, thrown in Iraq, and we would have won the Cold War ten years earlier.

Tony Blair was showcased in a starring role in the White House Christmas video Friday. Things are a lot more relaxed when he's around the house. Tony Blair knows the exact spot on the forehead where to pet the Bushes to prevent them from attacking.

The Weather Channel showed snow and ice and cold temperatures blanketing a lot of America Monday. It caused confusion. There was momentary euphoria at Democratic headquarters when the USA Today weather map showed that there are now forty-nine blue states.

Mitt Romney cried on Meet the Press Sunday while describing the night he heard on the radio that the Mormon Church lifted its ban on black priests. The tears really flowed. It was his favorite radio and he should have counted to ten before he shot it.

Ron Paul supporters raised millions on the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party Sunday. He's running on a promise to follow the Constitution. Mike Huckabee just asked the New York Times if Constitutionalists think Jesus and the Devil are brothers.

GOP candidate Ron Paul set a new one-day fundraising record on Sunday. He wants to do everything the way the Founding Fathers did. They wore perfumed wigs, satin pants and high-heel pumps, but they didn't have Larry Craig sitting in the next stall.

John Edwards spent Sunday in Iowa pitching his universal health plan. His plan could make a difference. It turns out all the king's horses and all the king's men could have put Humpty together again, but the procedure wasn't covered by his insurance.

Hillary Clinton's campaign chartered a helicopter Sunday so she can fly around the state of Iowa and shake hands with the voters for five days. Her aides have dubbed it the Hill-O-Copter. Pretending to be Irish has always worked for her husband.

Barack Obama attended church in Mason City on Sunday at the First Congregational Church. This is the denomination of the Puritan settlers who landed in America. He is doing absolutely everything he can to distance himself from these drug allegations.

Congressman Pete Hoekstra vowed Sunday that the House Intelligence Committee will investigate the CIA's destruction of tapes. He knows how terrifying it can be to have water pouring over your face until you think you're drowning. He was born in the Netherlands.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-17-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Farmer's Insurance flew agents to Oklahoma last week to aid victims of the ice storm. The company advertises itself as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. This was a good slogan until Thursday but now it just invites a steroid investigation.

The Mitchell Report named eighty-six Major League Baseball players on Thursday as known steroid users. If Jose Canseco hadn't been born in Cuba he could have been a presidential candidate unlike any other. He hasn't lied to the American people yet.

President Bush said Friday he didn't recall anyone using steroids when he owned the Texas Rangers. Jose Canseco and Sammy Sosa played in his outfield. He should have known they were on steroids when a plane hit them and they didn't even fall over.

Alex Rodriguez urged clemency for teammates named in the Mitchell Report. Team management encouraged them to use steroids. If George Steinbrenner couldn't make out the constellation Orion in the acne on your back he would trade you to Cleveland.

Barack Obama's campaign staffers on Friday dismissed any suggestion that his past cocaine use might become a harmful campaign issue. Cocaine makes you feel like you rule the world. Everybody who quits the drug runs for president just to fill the hole.

Hillary Clinton reminded Iowans on Friday there's nothing new that Republicans can throw at her after sixteen years of battle. She said she was tested. If your husband slept around like Bill Clinton did, you would be tested too, and regularly.

GOP candidate Mike Huckabee hired Ed Rollins to run his campaign Thursday. Ed Rollins once worked for Ronald Reagan and Mike Huckabee was once a Baptist preacher. To get to the right of this ticket, Rudy Giuliani would have to invade Czechoslovakia.

Mike Huckabee chided President Bush Friday for having an arrogant bunker mentality on foreign policy and added that it's time for a change from the president's go-it-alone style. It's official. You couldn't be sure the world had turned upside down until a Southern Baptist told an Episcopalian to loosen up and go with the flow.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he may declare an emergency because California is fourteen billion dollars in the red. He's not getting good reviews. To rebuild his career he may have to do a cartoon movie so he's associated with a hit again.

Attorney General Michael Mukasey demanded Friday that Congress shut down its probe of the CIA's destruction of waterboarding tapes. He said the White House will conduct the investigation. The attorney general reminded Congress that spectators who run onto the field of play are subject to ejection.

President Bush's speechwriter William McGurn announced Friday he'll be leaving the White House. It was an artistic decision. He writes the daily threat report for the president to read every morning but he's decided to go back to writing nonfiction.

President Bush vetoed a bill to expand children's health insurance on Wednesday, saying it's just too expensive. He wants to help needy kids but he objects to the expanded eligibility. When Mitt Romney's kids were covered, he thought it went too far.

The CIA admitted Tuesday it destroyed hundreds of hours of videotape of agents torturing terror suspects. It was bad for morale. Many of these agents were distraught when they saw the videotapes of themselves waterboarding the suspects, but then the White House lawyer assured them that television puts ten pounds on everybody.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-16-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Mitchell Report was released Thursday, listing the Major League Baseball players who used steroids. The drugs don't always work. A golfer injected steroids into his golf ball to make it fly farther and an hour later he was trying to putt a basketball into the cup.

Sen. George Mitchell's report Thursday accused Major League ballplayers of masking their use of human growth hormone. It's his goal to find a urine test to detect it. From now on, Larry Craig won't be the only senator bothering everyone in the men's room.

New York Yankees star pitchers Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte headlined a list of eighty-six ballplayers named in the Mitchell Report Thursday. Only one player was willing to comment for the record. Sammy Sosa insisted he didn't take any stereos.

New Jersey's assembly voted Thursday to repeal the state's death penalty. This could change everything. From now on if someone in New Jersey says they're going to take you for a little drive, they're actually going to take you for a little drive.

Karen Hughes left the State Department on Thursday after working for two years to improve America's image in the Arab world. She made some progress. Right now Uncle Sam is only slightly less popular than editorial cartoons of the Prophet Muhammed.

President Bush threatened Syria for interfering in Lebanon Thursday. He's down to Plan B. After it turned out that Iran had no nuclear weapons program, he's been forced to shop around for something else to give the defense contractors for Christmas.

The Weather Channel said snowstorms hit New Hampshire Thursday. It's a campaign issue. John Edwards blamed it on rich people who want to ski, Hillary didn't recall seeding the clouds, and Barack Obama denied that Snowplow was his nickname in college.

Democratic candidates held a debate in Iowa on Thursday. The biggest applause came when Chelsea Clinton walked into the room before the debate started. She won the Nobel Peace Prize eight years ago for keeping her parents from killing each other.

Hillary Clinton fired a campaign staffer last week for bringing up Barack Obama's admission of past cocaine use. It's politics. You have to support ethanol subsidies whenever you're in Iowa, dairy price supports in Wisconsin and cocaine use in Florida.

Hillary Clinton vowed to bring U.S. troops home from Iraq during the Iowa Democratic debate Thursday. She's trying to reverse her decline in the polls. If firefighters could slide down poles as fast as Hillary Clinton has, Malibu might still be standing.

Mike Huckabee came under fire last week over women's rights. He signed onto the Southern Baptist Convention statement that women should submit graciously to their husbands. Mormons, on the other hand, believe there should be a catfight over the guy.

Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney for asking out loud if Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. This election has become a battle to define religion. An atheist is anybody who watches Brigham Young play Baylor and doesn't care who wins.

Al Gore spoke at the U.N. climate conference in Bali Friday, where he scolded the U.S. for lack of concern over global warming. Republicans have a nickname for people who are worried about the threat that winter is disappearing. They call them non-golfers.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-14-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reports snow and ice storms headed for the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest. The president and first lady plan to spend the evening indoors in front of a roaring fire. There is no place like the evidence room for the holidays.

John Daly hired coach Butch Harmon Tuesday to travel with him on tour and work on his swing. What does he need with a swing coach? John Daly is already addicted to alcohol, gambling, food and nicotine, how is wife-swapping going to help his game?

The George Mitchell Commission released its findings about the use of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs in baseball Thursday. It didn't report on marijuana use. Pot isn't a performance-enhancing drug unless you're in a hot dog eating contest.

Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino quit Monday to coach at Arkansas. He'd been paid millions by the Falcons to help Michael Vick reach his full potential. Once Michael Vick was sentenced to the full twenty-three months, the coach's work was done.

Mike Ditka dissolved his charity fund for injured and retired NFL players, which collected over a million dollars but only handed out fifty thousand. No one knows the whereabouts of the rest of the cash. They don't call Mike Ditka the honorary mayor of Chicago for nothing.

Sotheby's just auctioned the original movie script of Citizen Kane that belonged to the late Orson Welles. The script he wrote in 1940 sold on Tuesday for a hundred thousand dollars. The Writers Guild sent him a registered letter on Wednesday telling him that he'll never work in this town again.

The White House released its annual Christmas comedy video starring Barney the dog and President Bush on Wednesday. This year it's much shorter than planned. The scene where Barney is chewing on the leg of a detainee at Guantanamo had to be burned.

The White House denied Wednesday it violated two U.S. judges' orders by destroying CIA videotapes of prisoner waterboarding. The government says the judges' orders only applied to interrogations at Guantanamo, where waterboarding is forbidden. These interrogations occurred in Afghanistan, where waterboarding is sponsored by Gatorade.

CIA Director Michael Hayden went before the House Intelligence Committee Wednesday to discuss the CIA's destruction of videotapes. They control his budget but he has their phone records. Everyone on both sides left this hearing wishing they had led a better life.

The White House released President Bush's list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The list includes carjackers, moonshiners, illegal sports gamblers, coke dealers and pot growers. Have you noticed how long it's been since anyone said it's a free country?

Minuteman Project founder James Gilchrist endorsed Mike Huckabee for president on Tuesday in Iowa. His organization sits on the border and tries to catch illegal aliens. The ones who aren't big enough to cook and eat get tossed back over the fence.

Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney Wednesday for asking a New York Times religion reporter if Mormons believe Jesus and Satan were brothers. Mormons are livid. They say this is exactly the kind of smear that makes them miss polygamy jokes.

Iowa hosted a GOP presidential debate Wednesday which had rules that allowed no mention of illegal immigration or Iraq. That only left the candidates' past sexual history. What Rudy Giuliani wouldn't give to see a skyscraper or a delicatessen right about now.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-13-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House released President Bush's list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The president pardoned carjackers and moonshiners and cocaine dealers and marijuana growers. He does whatever it takes to make sure the NFL can field twenty-eight teams.

President Bush hosted a White House party Tuesday honoring teenagers who have given up drugs. Halfway through the event an Arab walked into the room. He had been in the kitchen freezer for months and he must have thawed out during the power outage.

Oklahoma City lost its electricity in a nationwide ice storm Tuesday. Emergency power workers arrived from Mississippi to turn it back on. They were supposed to be restoring power to New Orleans but they don't want to get shot this close to Christmas.

Iowa presidential candidates canceled all events Tuesday due to the below-zero temperatures. It fulfilled one prophecy. A month ago everyone said Mike Huckabee would have to walk across the Mississippi River in order to beat Mitt Romney in Iowa.

Mike Huckabee angered Mormons Tuesday when he told the New York Times he thinks Mormons believe Jesus and Satan are brothers. He should lay off complex theological questions. It's hard enough for Americans to believe that George and Jeb are brothers.

Senator Teddy Kennedy just signed the richest publishing deal in history to write his autobiography and have it ready for release in two years. The book itself could save lives. In case of an emergency it can be used as a flotation device.

Michael Vick's agent Leigh Steinberg expressed hope Tuesday that Mike Vick can return to the NFL after prison. The agent also represents Ricky Williams. Only the American voter can claim to have a worse record judging character than Leigh Steinberg.

The National Finals Rodeo is going on this week in Las Vegas, where a new World Champion All-Around Cowboy will be crowned. The competition involves bull riding and calf roping and all cowboy skills. It's like a job fair at the State Department.

President Bush met with the president of Italy Tuesday two days after meeting with the leader of Northern Ireland and a week after meeting with Israeli leaders. No one knows why he attacked Iraq or what he's got against Iran, but every country that starts with an I has been dropping off gifts at the White House this Christmas.

Philadelphia Airport topped a new survey Monday of the best airports for people looking to hook up romantically. It's also the worst airport for on-time take-offs. If it weren't for flight delays and airport hotels, workaholics would never reproduce.

Jack Nicholson told an interviewer Monday he may have sired over nine thousand children due to his lecherous lifestyle in the last fifty years. It's not that big a deal. He only hears from them when the Lakers are winning and they all want tickets.

Hillary Clinton and Warren Buffett discussed economic inequality in America on Tuesday. He's worth fifty billion dollars and he's worried about income inequality. Warren Buffett can't go to sleep every night knowing Bill Gates could buy and sell him.

Ex-CIA agent John Kiriakou told ABC News on Monday he knew al-Qaeda leader Abu Zubaydah was waterboarded. He said it was okayed at the highest level of the Bush administration. That's so ridiculous, Jesus would never approve of waterboarding.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-12-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Al Gore accepted the Nobel Peace Prize on Monday at a glittering international ceremony in Oslo. His deep voice and slow delivery and polite tone nearly put the crowd to sleep. It made comedians realize how close we came to disaster seven years ago.

The Weather Channel reported Monday that ice storms cut power lines and closed schools in the Midwest. Ice was an inch thick on the roads. It was so cold in Iowa that people were showing up at Mike Huckabee rallies just for the fire and brimstone.

Mike Huckabee leaped into the lead for the GOP nomination in Monday's national polls. The Baptist minister is standing tall after months of being stuck in the mud. Mike Huckabee is starting to think there may be something to evolution after all.

Newt Gingrich told ABC News Sunday that he would run for vice president if the GOP nominee asked him. Newt Gingrich would be a perfect running mate for Rudy Giuliani. Between the two of them, they would be just sixty wives behind King Solomon.

Bill Clinton told Iowa voters he was so impressed with Hillary when they dated that he told her she should dump him and go home and run for office herself. You can bet she impressed him. He still has the impression in his forehead where the lamp hit him.

Germany tried to ban Scientology Monday, calling the group a religious cult and not a religion. Scientologists believe every human is inhabited by a space alien. It allowed Mitt Romney to present himself as the middle way between Mike Huckabee and Tom Cruise.

Michael Vick was sentenced Monday to two years in jail for arranging dogfights at his home. He was forced to wear his black and white striped prison shirt in court. Animal rights protesters took one look at him and called for a boycott of Foot Locker.

Las Vegas announced Monday it will build a museum to honor the gangsters who built the Las Vegas Strip. The museum will document all the crime families who got rich building palaces in the desert. They're all Italians except for the Halliburtons.

President Bush held a Hanukkah ceremony in the White House Monday where he lit candles on a menorah. You could see the flickering lights in the windows. And that was just in Dick Cheney's office where he was burning the rest of the CIA tapes.

White House lawyers told White House press secretary Dana Perino not to answer any more questions about CIA interrogation tapes. One question was answered. Now we know why the newly redesigned White House press room is named after Stonewall Jackson.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull starring Harrison Ford was given a May release date by the studio Monday. The hero still carries a bullwhip. That's so he can travel through Saudi Arabia on Girls Night Out without being noticed.

Saudi King Abdullah gave Dick Cheney a fur-lined cashmere coat and a gold sword with a diamond-studded hilt last year. They're natural friends. One guy controls the largest known reserves of oil in the world, while the other guy runs a desert kingdom.

The New York Philharmonic Orchestra agreed on Monday to perform in North Korea with the blessing of the State Department. No one knows what to expect from this audience. They could stage a food riot the moment they smell the popcorn in the lobby.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-11-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Love and Sex with Robots hit the bookstores Tuesday, by artificial intelligence researcher David Levy. He predicts people will be having sex with highly developed robots pretty soon. The research is being funded by Michael Jordan and Paul McCartney.

Oprah Winfrey campaigned for Barack Obama at an Iowa stadium Saturday. They're a great team. Every time Barack Obama made a point about health care, education or foreign policy, Oprah would rattle a set of car keys and the crowd would go crazy.

Tiger Woods will host the Target World Challenge this week at Sherwood Country Club. The prize money will have to be awarded by raffle this year. No one in Los Angeles is permitted to pick up a pencil and write down their score during the strike.

Evel Knievel was given a gigantic funeral in Montana on Monday. He's remembered fondly. Every six months Evel Knievel would do some pointless and life-threatening rocket flight into the sky, but he never billed the taxpayers for it the way NASA does.

Florida Gators' quarterback Tim Tebow won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday. In his acceptance speech, he testified about his strong religious faith. Then he held up the golden statue, prompting Mike Huckabee to smash the Ten Commandments over his television set.

President Bush went bicycle riding in a snowstorm in Virginia Sunday. He hates to miss a day of exercise, no matter how busy he is or how cold it is. If there's one thing worse than an absolute monarch it's one that's going to live to be a hundred.

Hillary Clinton fired two volunteers Sunday for passing along a hoax e-mail saying Barack Obama is a Muslim who plans to destroy America. Slandering him is a challenge for bigots. They tried to accuse him of fathering a black child but he didn't deny it.

Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney.

Rudy Giuliani said Sunday he won't give up his lucrative ownership of the Giuliani Partners consulting firm to become president. His pollsters advised him to look remorseful. Democrats believe it's okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown flew to Iraq Sunday and congratulated the British troops in Basra for winning the war, then told them they will be coming home to Great Britain in a couple of weeks. It really threw cold water on the White House war plans. Dick Cheney spent the rest of the afternoon melting into a puddle under his hat.

The CIA admitted Thursday it destroyed videotapes of CIA agents interrogating terror suspects. Sources said the CIA agents made the tapes to protect themselves from legal jeopardy. They could be prosecuted in Georgia for wasting water during a drought.

CIA Director Michael Hayden testifies before the Senate Intelligence Committee today about the CIA's destruction of videotapes of terror suspects being tortured. Everyone's furious. No one knows how long the writers' strike is going to last and we don't want any more television programming destroyed than is absolutely necessary.

The White House said Friday President Bush does not recall whether he was told of the CIA destroying tapes. Never tell the Washington press corps that you don't recall something. They went to journalism school on Michael Vick's property in Virginia.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-10-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Sotheby's will auction a copy of the Magna Carta on Sunday. It established the right of habeas corpus and limited the king's power. They think it will draw bids up to thirty million dollars, and that's just from the CIA agents who want to destroy it.

Barry Bonds arrived at a federal courthouse in San Francisco on Friday with thousands of cameras flashing. He tried to enter the building through the back entrance but they made him go through the front door. That's the way Dr. King would have wanted it.

Don Imus introduced his new radio sidekick Monday, a black woman from Texas who converted to Judaism. Now he can do no black jokes, no women jokes, no Jewish jokes and no Texas Aggie jokes. Most people see snakes when they are forced to detox this abruptly.

Forbes named the New York Knicks Friday as the NBA's richest franchise, worth six hundred million dollars. The team ownership is up for grabs. With NBA coaches wearing microphones now, the team will be owned by the next three women who refuse Isiah Thomas's advances.

CIA Director Michael Hayden said Thursday he destroyed videotapes of agency interrogators grilling terror suspects four years ago. The tapes were burned. It's nice to know that someone finally read Richard Nixon's farewell address to the nation.

President Bush said Friday he didn't know that the CIA destroyed interrogation tapes. He also didn't know Iran ended its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Dick Cheney uses parental controls to block all the president's channels except ESPN.

Senator Jay Rockefeller announced Friday he will launch a hearing into the CIA's destruction of taped interrogations of terror suspects. His family founded Exxon. You'd think anything that leads to one hundred dollars a barrel would have his full support.

Rudy Giuliani's former mistress and third wife Judi Nathan reportedly got police escorts a year before his second wife even knew about her. Rudy's first wife was his cousin. All Rudy can say is that the Mormon faith may dictate how he lives, but not how he governs.

Mitt Romney said Thursday his Mormon faith shouldn't be a barrier to him becoming the Republican party's nominee for president. It was a great speech. He's seeking to allay concerns among the general public that the Republican party is a religious cult.

Newsweek's poll Friday showed Mike Huckabee with a giant lead over Mitt Romney in Iowa. What century is this? The GOP contest is between a guy who believes the Garden of Eden was in Missouri and a guy whose science textbook puts it in Mesopotamia.

President Bush sounded gloomy Thursday when he lit the National Christmas Tree in the Ellipse in Washington D.C. It just wasn't his week. The day before, he threw a tantrum in the mall after Santa Claus told him he couldn't have a war for Christmas.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced by ethics laws Friday to release his donor list of California billionaires, who gave him lavish trips and huge donations to influence his decisions. It's quite an operation. The reason Arnold Schwarzenegger is at the scene of every wildfire is to tell the firefighters who gave and who didn't.

Ron Paul's supporters plan to fly a blimp from North Carolina to New Hampshire this week with an ingenious marketing ploy. They make money by advertising on the blimp while promoting the candidate's name. Once this concept is explained to Paris Hilton and Oprah Winfrey the entire country will look like a hot air balloon festival.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-9-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The White House admitted President Bush was told in August that Iran had ended its nuclear weapons program four years ago. He kept threatening Iran into October. Republicans believe it's Reaganesque to forget what people told you two months ago.

Donald Trump dined at the Buffalo Club in Los Angeles on Thursday and left his waiter a ten thousand dollar tip. He just wanted the publicity. He keeps hearing the candidates talk about the Supreme Being and he never sees his name in the article.

Mitt Romney stood up for his Mormon faith in a speech Thursday but he insisted his religion would never affect his policies. He compared himself to Jack Kennedy. The difference between them is, Mitt Romney would never support the idea of polygamy.

Gennifer Flowers said in Las Vegas Thursday she may vote for Hillary Clinton. She had to leave New Orleans two years ago and give up her singing career in the French Quarter. No one ever talks about the good things that Hurricane Katrina accomplished.

The United Nations Global Warming Conference got underway last week on the island of Bali. It's located in the Indonesian archipelago. Who else but the United Nations would go to a tropical island in December and then complain about warm weather.

Keifer Sutherland went to jail for drunk driving in Los Angeles Wednesday. These are the times we live in. You can save America from a nuclear terrorist attack five times in five years and still carry no weight with Mothers Against Drunk Driving.

The CIA admitted on Thursday it destroyed videotapes of its agents interrogating terror suspects. It was recorded evidence of rule-breaking. The difference between the CIA and the New England Patriots is that the New England Patriots are undefeated.

The NBA announced Tuesday it will sew microphones into the uniforms of players next year for game telecasts. If they want great ratings, they should sew them into their street clothes. Nothing draws viewers like gunshots and sexual harassment.

Mike Huckabee wouldn't say Thursday if he agrees with Southern Baptist churches that believe women shouldn't serve as pastors as he did. His presidency would be historic. It would begin with the first inaugural ball where no one's allowed to dance.

Bill Clinton told Barbara Walters Thursday he would sit in on Hillary's cabinet meetings only if asked. He said he would give his advice in private. However, he does want the doggie door restored to the third floor hallway so he can come and go at night.

The National Christmas Tree was lit by President Bush on Thursday. He reworded the Gospel of Luke by describing the Christmas message as one of peace toward men of goodwill. He can't even celebrate the birth of Jesus without a warning to Iran.

President Bush threatened to attack Iran Thursday despite failures in Iraq and Afghanistan. He's ready and willing to roll the dice again. Twenty-one years ago President Bush bet a friend he could quit drinking, and now he has a gambling problem.

President Bush unveiled a proposal Thursday to try to save subprime mortgage borrowers from going into foreclosure and losing their homes. His legacy is on the line. Right now President Bush shares the title of worst president in history with Jimmy Carter, but a recession would make him the undisputed heavyweight champion.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-7-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

World Series of Poker three-time champion Chip Reese died Wednesday in his Las Vegas home at the age of fifty-six. He was one of the greatest bluffers in history. It was three days before anyone would believe he was really dead.

The Writers Guild stayed on strike this week, still thinking they can get revenue from movies on the Internet. The Internet gives everything to everybody absolutely free. For the first time, people are starting to believe it was invented by a Democrat.

USA Today said fifty college football coaches now make annual salaries of over one million dollars. Oklahoma's Bob Stoops tops the list at three million six hundred thousand a year. You have to keep up appearances when all your neighbors are in the oil business.

Barry Bonds will appear in federal court Friday to answer perjury charges, even though he's still negotiating to hire a lead attorney. He's reportedly appalled by the huge size of legal fees. Now he knows how pitchers felt for the last ten years.

The NBA began putting microphones on coaches during televised games and placing robotic cameras inside locker rooms Wednesday. Everything the players say will be overheard. The players with Muslim names have been putting up with this for six years.

The White House held a candle-lighting ceremony Tuesday to mark the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah. It celebrates an ancient victory over Syria when lamps which only had enough oil to burn for one night burned for eight nights. The White House began celebrating Hanukkah seven years ago when they found out it was about oil.

The National Intelligence Estimate report released Monday said Iran halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Now there's no reason to attack them. President Bush left Santa Claus cross-eyed last night when he asked for a pretext for Christmas.

President Bush flew to Omaha, Nebraska, Wednesday where he continued to threaten Iran, even though they have no nuclear weapons. The Strategic Air Command headquarters are in Nebraska. President Bush goes there to relieve stress like some people go to the gym.

CIA officials said Tuesday the agency would not allow White House policymakers in the conference room where Iran's nuclear activity was being analyzed all year. They kept it secret from Dick Cheney until ten days ago. It literally broke his heart.

Mitt Romney fired his landscaper Tuesday for hiring illegal immigrants to rake the leaves on the lawn of his suburban Boston estate last week. The story gets worse and worse for him. Now he says he did it because of a Mormon Church revelation.

Southern Baptist Mike Huckabee passed Mormon Mitt Romney in the Iowa polls on Tuesday as their religious differences became a factor in the race. Southern Baptists say Mormons supported polygamy and Mormons say Southern Baptists supported slavery. It's a sign of the obesity epidemic that slavery's more popular than polygamy.

Cardinal Roger Mahony of Los Angeles claimed this week that he was assaulted on the streets of L.A. in July. He said strangers beat him up but he didn't tell his friends or the police about it for several months. No one even knew he has a gambling problem.

Hillary Clinton demanded on Wednesday that Wall Street financiers voluntarily agree to give homeowners a break from higher payments on adjustable rate mortgages. The senator hinted at coercive legislation if the capitalists don't comply. Hugo Chavez complimented her on the proposal but warned her not to put it to a public vote.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-6-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Evel Knievel's funeral in Montana will begin Sunday night with a spectacular fireworks show. He was the greatest daredevil ever. The difference between Evel Knievel and President Bush is Evel Knievel gave a little thought about where he was going to land.

Penn State head coach Joe Paterno was inducted Tuesday into the College Football Hall of Fame. The man is ageless. He's been coaching college football ever since the Eisenhower Era, and Dwight Eisenhower played college football a hundred years ago.

The Senator Larry Craig doll was introduced in toy stores nationwide on Monday, just in time for holiday gift buyers. We will never know if there's any lead paint on this doll. Anybody who gets lead poisoning will just say he got it from a transfusion.

Jay Leno agreed to pay his Tonight Show staffers two hundred thousand dollars weekly to cover salaries after NBC fired them. The poor guy. He started out in life hoping to be the next Johnny Carson and he wound up becoming the next Andrew Carnegie.

Rudy Giuliani dropped like a rock in the national polls Monday as his scandals began to catch up with him. They involve adultery, cronyism and public payroll padding. As a result, he is running fifth among Republicans but he leads all Democrats.

Mitt Romney will give a speech explaining his Mormon faith today at the George Herbert Walker Bush Presidential Library in College Station. It's risky to give this speech to a Texas crowd. Mormons don't recognize the divinity of high school football.

The University of Hawaii went wild when the football team got a Sugar Bowl bid Sunday. The coach got a congratulatory phone call from the White House. President Bush considers Hawaii to be a valuable ally of the United States in the War on Terror.

The U.S. government said Monday it will keep Saddam Hussein's cousin, Chemical Ali, in U.S. custody despite calls for his head in Iraq. No one will be allowed to lay a glove on him. He might have the gene in his DNA that can keep order in that country.

The National Intelligence Estimate on Iran was finally released Monday showing that Tehran has no nuclear weapons program. It turns out Dick Cheney sat on this report for a year. So he didn't have a heart procedure last week, it was a colonoscopy.

Iran was revealed Monday to have halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago. The next day, President Bush stood in front of a microphone and said that Iran remains a nuclear threat. He's sick and tired of Mike Huckabee getting all the laughs.

President Bush said the world must continue to push for sanctions against Iran to prevent it from starting up its nuclear program again. The president says the danger is far from over. There's still the issue of all those Iranians in Beverly Hills with ant poison under the sink.

Mike Huckabee got testy Tuesday when he was asked if he supports the teaching of creationism in public schools. He said he believes God created the earth but he wasn't there when it happened. Everybody in Arkansas believes you can only know what you witness personally, that's why the Clintons were never convicted of anything.

Bill Clinton hired a campaign press secretary Sunday to handle the press while he's out campaigning for his wife. It turned out to be unnecessary. He hired the spokesman when he still thought he would have to be both for and against the Iran War.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-5-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection for both his wife and his mistress seven years ago. He was sleeping with two women while recovering from prostate surgery. The Mitchell Report is expected to name sixty-four ballplayers and one mayor.

Hillary Clinton attacked Barack Obama during her speech in Iowa on Monday. The frontrunner is fading, the challenger can't win, and the guys with all the talent can't get any votes. This isn't a presidential race, it's the college football rankings.

The BCS computer chose Ohio State and LSU to play for the national championship instead of USC and Oklahoma. How insane is it? The BCS computer just took Hillary Clinton's campaign office hostage in an attempt to get the mental health care it needs.

Rolling Stone says the weak dollar has resulted in a huge rise in the price of high-grade Canadian marijuana on U.S. streets. It's very easy to spot a billionaire at a gas station. He's the one who is filling up the tank and buying out the Twinkies.

Senator Larry Craig denied eight more charges of men's room sex Sunday and said he still intends to fly to Bali for a global warming summit next week. What courage. He already sings first tenor and now he's going to land at an airport in a strict Muslim country.

Victoria's Secret was accused Saturday of ignoring slave labor conditions. The company insists that any models who were bought by the sultan last night made their own deal. They have better things to do than teach German girls how to sing the blues.

Don Imus returned to the radio airwaves Monday over WABC New York. The country is giving him a clean slate. The fact that he has hired two black sidekicks lets everybody know that he is a changed man and will only tell Mexican jokes from now on.

Miss Puerto Rico was accused Monday of making up a story that her evening gown was sabotaged with pepper spray backstage. It turned out to be a publicity stunt. She wanted to date the mayor of Los Angeles without having to go to journalism school.

Mike Huckabee vaulted to the top in the Iowa polls Monday after his hilarious performance with his Jesus jokes and his Hillary jokes in last week's GOP debate. Mike Huckabee laughs with Jesus and at Hillary. Democrats do it the other way around.

Mike Huckabee was bashed by Mitt Romney for helping illegal aliens and by Rudy Giuliani for raising taxes Monday. It's getting nasty. Mike Huckabee replied that Rudy Giuliani is a Roman Catholic and Mitt Romney is a Mormon, while he is an American.

Condi Rice was reported Monday to be ready to appoint Paul Wolfowitz chairman of her panel on arms control. His job will be to monitor Iran and North Korea. We need a man with proven ability to misinterpret intelligence and start a war for no reason.

Mitt Romney announced he will give a speech to clear the air about his Mormon faith Thursday and he will give the speech in Texas at the George Herbert Walker Bush Presidential Library. It surprised everybody. Are Mormons allowed on Saudi soil?

The National Intelligence Estimate revealed Monday that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program four years ago. The estimate is the combined opinion of sixteen intelligence agencies. It must be true because they're not allowed to write fictional intelligence during the writers' strike.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Ohio State and LSU were chosen by computer to meet in the championship game in January. They were the last two standing. Oklahoma and USC are by far the two best teams but the computer deducts points for lording it over everyone and binge drinking.

Jay Leno agreed Sunday to pay eighty laid-off Tonight Show staffers out of his own pocket this week. He faced a staff mutiny. Jay tried to tell them that as a Writers' Guild member he wasn't allowed to write checks, but they weren't buying it.

Hugo Chavez's national referendum seeking to limit press freedom, end property rights and nationalize the banks lost in Venezuela Sunday. Fidel Castro has to be disappointed. Five years of mentoring the guy and he's still putting things to a vote.

Don Imus was back on air Monday from his new station WABC in New York. He will be broadcasting right across the street from the corporate offices of the New York Knicks. It makes the neighborhood one-stop shopping for women who want to be insulted.

The Weather Channel reported that an ice storm swept across the nation's midsection Saturday, cutting off electricity in Des Moines. Nobody minded. All the candidates' microphones went dead and the birds returned to Iowa for the first time in four months.

Miss Puerto Rico was accused of making up the claim she was poisoned by pepper spray backstage. Tests showed no pepper spray on her. It's also evidence she did not participate in the Puerto Rican Day riots in New York as required by pageant rules.

Senator Larry Craig was named by five more men Sunday who say they had sex with him in restrooms, initiated by the same hand signals he gave in Minnesota. He's just following the oldest rule in show business. If you have an act, you will always work.

Newt Gingrich on Sunday suggested a billion-dollar tax-free prize for the first hydrogen engine that can be mass-produced. It faces the usual obstacle. The next morning General Motors gave Newt Gingrich two billion dollars not to suggest it again.

Mike Huckabee pulled close to Rudy Giuliani in the national GOP presidential polls Sunday. He regales crowds with very funny Hillary jokes and Jesus jokes. Rudy has plenty of great material too, but Mafia jokes have a limited appeal in South Carolina.

Mitt Romney announced Sunday he will give a speech about his Mormon faith this week. They believe Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith in upstate New York one hundred and seventy years ago. However, Smith refused to invade Iraq and the motion was tabled.

The White House refused Friday to release visitor logs revealing how many times jailed lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the executive mansion. Whoever took his bribes is in big trouble. Republicans consider the need for money to be a serious character flaw.

Karl Rove wrote an article for the Financial Times in London Saturday offering Barack Obama free advice on how to defeat Hillary Clinton. No one's sure if he's trying to help Obama or sabotage Obama. When Nixon trains them tricky, they stay tricky.

Vladimir Putin's United Russia party won a parliamentary majority in elections held Sunday. The president controlled the media, giving the opposition no chance to win. An optimist is anybody in Russia who stays up late to see how the elections came out.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-3-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Richard Nixon Presidential Library released its annual Christmas catalogue Friday. This year they're selling a Civil War chess set. The pieces on one side of the board are the hippies, and on other side of the board they're the National Guard.

Mike Huckabee got huge laughs at the GOP presidential debate Wednesday telling Jesus jokes and Hillary jokes. The candidate came out of nowhere. The best guess is he's just another striking comedy writer trying to get a job with health insurance.

Jay Leno's entire Tonight Show office staff was fired by NBC on Friday. No one was guaranteed a job when production resumes. Jay Leno may have to perform Carnac the Magnificent every night until the new staff from India gets the hang of the show.

Malibu Canyon was evacuated Friday when winter rains arrived, threatening every hillside home in Los Angeles with mudslides. It could save everyone money. Some of the houses can go thirty miles an hour in the city and they run on no gasoline at all.

Don Imus returns to the air today from ABC radio in New York. He was fired for making a racially insensitive remark. He's so skittish it might happen again that he has barred all Santa Claus commercials from the show until Christmas season's over.

Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday by a mentally disturbed local resident. He had what looked like a bomb taped to his chest. It's the last time Hillary Clinton ever names a teddy bear after Ronald Reagan.

Sudan jailed an English school teacher whose class named a teddy bear Muhammed Friday. Britain sent its first Muslim peer, Lord Ahmed, to Sudan to negotiate. Now evangelical Christians are angry at Great Britain for giving a Muslim the Lord's name.

President Bush met with Al Gore in the Oval Office Monday. The timing of their meeting was no accident. The Palestinians and Israelis were meeting in the White House the next day and Don King arranged the Bush-Gore meeting to be on the undercard.

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection and car rides for his wife and his mistress. The cost was huge. And that doesn't count the salary of the air traffic controller he hired to keep them from bumping into each other in the Hamptons.

Joe Biden promised to call for President Bush's impeachment if he unilaterally attacks Iran. The president would be going off the cliff politically if he tried it. It could be the first war in American history dedicated to the memory of Evel Knievel.

President Bush asked Congress Friday for thirty billion dollars more to fight AIDS. He said he'll go to Africa next year to show his concern. He's very worried that Nigerian oil workers may have to call in sick and he doesn't want that to happen.

FEMA announced Thursday the agency is closing down the emergency trailer parks in Louisiana which were set up after Hurricane Katrina. They have to remove them as soon as possible. The trailers are needed to attract tornadoes in Oklahoma by April.

Arkansas coach Houston Nutt led the Razorbacks to their biggest win in decades over LSU last week. He then quit to coach conference rival Mississippi. The locals say it's the same as divorcing one woman and marrying her sister, it's just that good.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-2-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee stole the show at the GOP debate on CNN Wednesday with his wit and jokes and Bible knowledge. What a breakthrough. It was the first time in history that a cable network ever booked a clean Christian comedian.

Broadway box offices opened Thursday after the stagehands' union agreed to end its strike. It cost the theaters a lot of business. With Young Frankenstein closed down, Dick Cheney sold two thousand tickets to the electrical re-charging of his heart.

President Bush signed an order on Thursday shrinking the pay raises of federal workers. He's allowed to do this if he says it's a national emergency. The march of democracy may not be going too well but the march of emergency is really on a roll.

Bobby Knight was confronted by his Lubbock neighbor on video Thursday for dove hunting too close to the man's home. The coach said he was within his rights. The dove is the international symbol of peace, so in Texas it's dove season every day of the year.

President Bush gave an interview to CNN after the peace conference Tuesday and said Americans can't impose our vision on the Middle East. He just said it by rote without understanding what he was saying. Laura's been teaching to the test again.

The Dallas Cowboys game with the Green Bay Packers aired exclusively on the NFL Network Thursday. To see it you needed a home satellite dish. People can't believe they went to all the trouble of stealing cable and they can't watch the biggest game of the year.

Rudy Giuliani was revealed Wednesday to have billed New York agencies for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to cheat on his wife with mistress Judi. The bill went to the Department of Procurement. They'll never get him for lying.

Joe Biden said Thursday he's tired of his Democratic rivals for president saying he would make a great Secretary of State. He said he won't accept that job under any circumstances. The last thing he wants to do is sleep with Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Thursday at the huge Saddleback Church in Orange County. The evangelicals could do little but applaud politely. The Santa Ana winds had caused the fire marshals to declare a red flag alert, which means no witch burning.

Pat Robertson warned his followers Wednesday against doing yoga. He said by performing the stretches you're praying to the Hindu gods. Any preacher who's ever seen a woman in spandex doing the Downward Facing Dog knows it's the work of the devil.

President Bush was reported Thursday to have installed a hotline to China in the Oval Office three months ago, but it's not working. It's the same old story. OSHA blocked the installation of the telephone when tests showed that the red paint has lead in it.

Britney Spears was shown Thursday running through a bookstore while pursued by photographers. She was flanked by eight Los Angeles police officers. There are lots of volunteers for Britney Spears' security detail on any day Rodney King calls the police.

Rodney King was shot and slightly wounded twice on Thursday while he was bicycling home drunk in Southern California. He serves an important function in the ecosystem. If Los Angeles isn't burned down every fifteen years there is no room for new growth.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio