Argus Hamilton's column for 12-6-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Evel Knievel's funeral in Montana will begin Sunday night with a spectacular fireworks show. He was the greatest daredevil ever. The difference between Evel Knievel and President Bush is Evel Knievel gave a little thought about where he was going to land.

Penn State head coach Joe Paterno was inducted Tuesday into the College Football Hall of Fame. The man is ageless. He's been coaching college football ever since the Eisenhower Era, and Dwight Eisenhower played college football a hundred years ago.

The Senator Larry Craig doll was introduced in toy stores nationwide on Monday, just in time for holiday gift buyers. We will never know if there's any lead paint on this doll. Anybody who gets lead poisoning will just say he got it from a transfusion.

Jay Leno agreed to pay his Tonight Show staffers two hundred thousand dollars weekly to cover salaries after NBC fired them. The poor guy. He started out in life hoping to be the next Johnny Carson and he wound up becoming the next Andrew Carnegie.

Rudy Giuliani dropped like a rock in the national polls Monday as his scandals began to catch up with him. They involve adultery, cronyism and public payroll padding. As a result, he is running fifth among Republicans but he leads all Democrats.

Mitt Romney will give a speech explaining his Mormon faith today at the George Herbert Walker Bush Presidential Library in College Station. It's risky to give this speech to a Texas crowd. Mormons don't recognize the divinity of high school football.

The University of Hawaii went wild when the football team got a Sugar Bowl bid Sunday. The coach got a congratulatory phone call from the White House. President Bush considers Hawaii to be a valuable ally of the United States in the War on Terror.

The U.S. government said Monday it will keep Saddam Hussein's cousin, Chemical Ali, in U.S. custody despite calls for his head in Iraq. No one will be allowed to lay a glove on him. He might have the gene in his DNA that can keep order in that country.

The National Intelligence Estimate on Iran was finally released Monday showing that Tehran has no nuclear weapons program. It turns out Dick Cheney sat on this report for a year. So he didn't have a heart procedure last week, it was a colonoscopy.

Iran was revealed Monday to have halted its nuclear weapons program four years ago. The next day, President Bush stood in front of a microphone and said that Iran remains a nuclear threat. He's sick and tired of Mike Huckabee getting all the laughs.

President Bush said the world must continue to push for sanctions against Iran to prevent it from starting up its nuclear program again. The president says the danger is far from over. There's still the issue of all those Iranians in Beverly Hills with ant poison under the sink.

Mike Huckabee got testy Tuesday when he was asked if he supports the teaching of creationism in public schools. He said he believes God created the earth but he wasn't there when it happened. Everybody in Arkansas believes you can only know what you witness personally, that's why the Clintons were never convicted of anything.

Bill Clinton hired a campaign press secretary Sunday to handle the press while he's out campaigning for his wife. It turned out to be unnecessary. He hired the spokesman when he still thought he would have to be both for and against the Iran War.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio