Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Ohio State and LSU were chosen by computer to meet in the championship game in January. They were the last two standing. Oklahoma and USC are by far the two best teams but the computer deducts points for lording it over everyone and binge drinking.

Jay Leno agreed Sunday to pay eighty laid-off Tonight Show staffers out of his own pocket this week. He faced a staff mutiny. Jay tried to tell them that as a Writers' Guild member he wasn't allowed to write checks, but they weren't buying it.

Hugo Chavez's national referendum seeking to limit press freedom, end property rights and nationalize the banks lost in Venezuela Sunday. Fidel Castro has to be disappointed. Five years of mentoring the guy and he's still putting things to a vote.

Don Imus was back on air Monday from his new station WABC in New York. He will be broadcasting right across the street from the corporate offices of the New York Knicks. It makes the neighborhood one-stop shopping for women who want to be insulted.

The Weather Channel reported that an ice storm swept across the nation's midsection Saturday, cutting off electricity in Des Moines. Nobody minded. All the candidates' microphones went dead and the birds returned to Iowa for the first time in four months.

Miss Puerto Rico was accused of making up the claim she was poisoned by pepper spray backstage. Tests showed no pepper spray on her. It's also evidence she did not participate in the Puerto Rican Day riots in New York as required by pageant rules.

Senator Larry Craig was named by five more men Sunday who say they had sex with him in restrooms, initiated by the same hand signals he gave in Minnesota. He's just following the oldest rule in show business. If you have an act, you will always work.

Newt Gingrich on Sunday suggested a billion-dollar tax-free prize for the first hydrogen engine that can be mass-produced. It faces the usual obstacle. The next morning General Motors gave Newt Gingrich two billion dollars not to suggest it again.

Mike Huckabee pulled close to Rudy Giuliani in the national GOP presidential polls Sunday. He regales crowds with very funny Hillary jokes and Jesus jokes. Rudy has plenty of great material too, but Mafia jokes have a limited appeal in South Carolina.

Mitt Romney announced Sunday he will give a speech about his Mormon faith this week. They believe Jesus appeared to Joseph Smith in upstate New York one hundred and seventy years ago. However, Smith refused to invade Iraq and the motion was tabled.

The White House refused Friday to release visitor logs revealing how many times jailed lobbyist Jack Abramoff visited the executive mansion. Whoever took his bribes is in big trouble. Republicans consider the need for money to be a serious character flaw.

Karl Rove wrote an article for the Financial Times in London Saturday offering Barack Obama free advice on how to defeat Hillary Clinton. No one's sure if he's trying to help Obama or sabotage Obama. When Nixon trains them tricky, they stay tricky.

Vladimir Putin's United Russia party won a parliamentary majority in elections held Sunday. The president controlled the media, giving the opposition no chance to win. An optimist is anybody in Russia who stays up late to see how the elections came out.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio