Argus Hamilton's column for 12-30-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Barron Hilton said Wednesday he'll leave his fortune to the Conrad Hilton Foundation. It funds adult literacy programs, housing for the mentally ill and treatment for substance abuse. In other words, Paris Hilton convinced her granddad to leave everything to her.

The San Francisco Zoo was termed a crime scene Wednesday after a tiger attacked zoo patrons. It doesn't seem possible. The cat had to jump a fifteen-foot moat and a twenty-foot-high fence, and that was just to get into the United States from Mexico.

Ronald Reagan's personal recipe for New Year's eggnog was discovered recently in an old article in the Los Angeles Times. The Gipper made his eggnog with three parts cream and three parts alcohol. He always did believe in peace through strength.

The White House stood by General Musharraf after Benazir Bhutto's assassination in Pakistan Thursday. His job's secure. The last thing we would ever do is overthrow a Middle East dictator with a mustache and weapons of mass destruction a second time.

Benazir Bhutto was assassinated as she campaigned for president of Pakistan Thursday by a gunman on a bicycle. It set off alarm bells in Washington. Within the hour, President Bush hid his mountain bike up in the attic until this thing blows over.

Benazir Bhutto was killed while waving to the crowd through the sunroof of her car. It's a campaign issue. Hillary called for calm, John McCain called for action, and Ralph Nader may join the race just to raise the issue that sunroofs are dangerous.

Mike Huckabee misspoke Thursday while reacting to Benazir Bhutto's death. He offered the people of Pakistan America's apologies. For the next hour his staff had him at the blackboard spelling potato just to prove to reporters he's not another Dan Quayle.

Benazir Bhutto's assassin blew himself up alongside the car after he had fired his gun. Only one person in the car survived the blast. If this had happened in Los Angeles the cops would have rushed in and cited the driver for a carpool lane violation.

CNN's Wolf Blitzer revealed Thursday that Benazir Bhutto sent him a letter to be opened only if she ever got killed. She knew what would happen. It prompted Bill Clinton to send Wolf Blitzer a letter to be opened only if Hillary ever catches him cheating.

Barack Obama's campaign blamed Benazir Bhutto's killing on the regional instability caused by the war in Iraq for which Hillary voted. Both candidates know a thing or two about local leaders being gunned down in the streets. They are both from Chicago.

China was reported Thursday to have received help from U.S. companies to build the world's most elaborate public surveillance system to spy on Olympic visitors. It's no threat to civil liberties. The Chinese will never learn how to work the thing with all the technical-support people out marching in the streets of Pakistan.

President Bush signed a half-trillion-dollar spending bill Wednesday. It lifts the federal ban on needle exchange programs in the nation's capital. The Washington Nationals don't pay much and their home-run hitters must cut corners wherever they can.

New Jersey's governor signed a new law Thursday that limits the time convicted sex offenders can spend on the Internet. You can't make it up. New Jersey just became the first state to tell sexual predators to get out in the fresh air and spend more time on the playground.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio