Argus Hamilton's column for 12-3-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Richard Nixon Presidential Library released its annual Christmas catalogue Friday. This year they're selling a Civil War chess set. The pieces on one side of the board are the hippies, and on other side of the board they're the National Guard.

Mike Huckabee got huge laughs at the GOP presidential debate Wednesday telling Jesus jokes and Hillary jokes. The candidate came out of nowhere. The best guess is he's just another striking comedy writer trying to get a job with health insurance.

Jay Leno's entire Tonight Show office staff was fired by NBC on Friday. No one was guaranteed a job when production resumes. Jay Leno may have to perform Carnac the Magnificent every night until the new staff from India gets the hang of the show.

Malibu Canyon was evacuated Friday when winter rains arrived, threatening every hillside home in Los Angeles with mudslides. It could save everyone money. Some of the houses can go thirty miles an hour in the city and they run on no gasoline at all.

Don Imus returns to the air today from ABC radio in New York. He was fired for making a racially insensitive remark. He's so skittish it might happen again that he has barred all Santa Claus commercials from the show until Christmas season's over.

Hillary Clinton's campaign office in New Hampshire was taken hostage Friday by a mentally disturbed local resident. He had what looked like a bomb taped to his chest. It's the last time Hillary Clinton ever names a teddy bear after Ronald Reagan.

Sudan jailed an English school teacher whose class named a teddy bear Muhammed Friday. Britain sent its first Muslim peer, Lord Ahmed, to Sudan to negotiate. Now evangelical Christians are angry at Great Britain for giving a Muslim the Lord's name.

President Bush met with Al Gore in the Oval Office Monday. The timing of their meeting was no accident. The Palestinians and Israelis were meeting in the White House the next day and Don King arranged the Bush-Gore meeting to be on the undercard.

Rudy Giuliani billed New York for police protection and car rides for his wife and his mistress. The cost was huge. And that doesn't count the salary of the air traffic controller he hired to keep them from bumping into each other in the Hamptons.

Joe Biden promised to call for President Bush's impeachment if he unilaterally attacks Iran. The president would be going off the cliff politically if he tried it. It could be the first war in American history dedicated to the memory of Evel Knievel.

President Bush asked Congress Friday for thirty billion dollars more to fight AIDS. He said he'll go to Africa next year to show his concern. He's very worried that Nigerian oil workers may have to call in sick and he doesn't want that to happen.

FEMA announced Thursday the agency is closing down the emergency trailer parks in Louisiana which were set up after Hurricane Katrina. They have to remove them as soon as possible. The trailers are needed to attract tornadoes in Oklahoma by April.

Arkansas coach Houston Nutt led the Razorbacks to their biggest win in decades over LSU last week. He then quit to coach conference rival Mississippi. The locals say it's the same as divorcing one woman and marrying her sister, it's just that good.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio