Argus Hamilton's column for 12-23-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Dick Cheney's office was destroyed by fire Wednesday, one day after his visitor logs were ordered unsealed by a judge. There were two injuries. A Marine was hurt when he leaped out of a window to safety and G. Gordon Liddy was injured setting the fire.

The Writers Guild strike reached its sixth week in Hollywood Friday with both sides nowhere near a deal. The nation is starving for scripted entertainment. The late-night shows have no jokes and the White House has no rationale for invading Iran.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams said Wednesday the Nativity Scene as shown on Christmas cards is a fiction. People see it differently. The Nativity Scene in front of the Beverly Hills courthouse shows three lawyers standing around a car wreck.

Charlie Wilson's War with Tom Hanks is about a U.S. Congressman twenty years ago who secretly funded a war against the Soviets in Afghanistan. He was a Democrat who drank, womanized and really hated communism. There used to be a lot of Democrats like that in Congress but they were all kicked out for having Confederate flags on their bumpers.

The National Enquirer reported Wednesday that John Edwards got a young lady pregnant while campaigning for president this summer. This can only mean one thing. John Edwards has decided he won't concede the adultery vote to the Clintons without a fight.

Tony Blair guest-starred in the White House's annual Christmas video that gently pokes fun at President Bush. It was comforting to see the former prime minister as ever standing by the president. He was always the Kevin Federline of the relationship.

President Bush held an end-of-year news conference Thursday where he complained to reporters that Congress had wasted time and taxpayers' money. They spend a huge amount of cash on pork. Now you know why Alaska's state motto is The Other White Meat.

Nickelodeon star Jamie Lynn Spears announced Monday that she's pregnant by her nineteen-year-old boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with her values. She will raise the child in Louisiana where sixteen-year-old mothers are the grande dames of the PTA.

New Orleans had street riots Thursday when the city approved the demolition of slums for new dwellings. The cops battled the angry residents with stun guns. This is the only city in the South that looks on trailer parks as attempted gentrification.

Physical Optics Corporation in California said Wednesday it has made a hand-held device that can help Homeland Security see through walls. They developed see-in-the-dark technology by experimenting on lobsters. The very idea of experimenting on lobsters has Republican caterers angry enough to enlist in the animal rights movement.

Parliament passed a law Friday that jails Britons two years for talking on the cell phone while driving. It's the same jail sentence for text-messaging while driving. The Los Angeles Times ran the story right next to Saudi jailers whipping rape victims.

Ron Paul will appear on NBC's Meet the Press today. They booked him after his huge haul in last week's web fundraiser. Until Ron Paul raised six million dollars in one day on the Internet, everyone thought the Nigerian lottery was just a scam.

The U.S. Embassy in Baghdad is investigating reports that Blackwater guards shot and killed a dog guarding the New York Times headquarters in Iraq. It's a new low. Richard Nixon threatened the media's broadcast licenses, but he never shot their dogs.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio