Argus Hamilton's column for 12-2-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee stole the show at the GOP debate on CNN Wednesday with his wit and jokes and Bible knowledge. What a breakthrough. It was the first time in history that a cable network ever booked a clean Christian comedian.

Broadway box offices opened Thursday after the stagehands' union agreed to end its strike. It cost the theaters a lot of business. With Young Frankenstein closed down, Dick Cheney sold two thousand tickets to the electrical re-charging of his heart.

President Bush signed an order on Thursday shrinking the pay raises of federal workers. He's allowed to do this if he says it's a national emergency. The march of democracy may not be going too well but the march of emergency is really on a roll.

Bobby Knight was confronted by his Lubbock neighbor on video Thursday for dove hunting too close to the man's home. The coach said he was within his rights. The dove is the international symbol of peace, so in Texas it's dove season every day of the year.

President Bush gave an interview to CNN after the peace conference Tuesday and said Americans can't impose our vision on the Middle East. He just said it by rote without understanding what he was saying. Laura's been teaching to the test again.

The Dallas Cowboys game with the Green Bay Packers aired exclusively on the NFL Network Thursday. To see it you needed a home satellite dish. People can't believe they went to all the trouble of stealing cable and they can't watch the biggest game of the year.

Rudy Giuliani was revealed Wednesday to have billed New York agencies for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to cheat on his wife with mistress Judi. The bill went to the Department of Procurement. They'll never get him for lying.

Joe Biden said Thursday he's tired of his Democratic rivals for president saying he would make a great Secretary of State. He said he won't accept that job under any circumstances. The last thing he wants to do is sleep with Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton gave a speech Thursday at the huge Saddleback Church in Orange County. The evangelicals could do little but applaud politely. The Santa Ana winds had caused the fire marshals to declare a red flag alert, which means no witch burning.

Pat Robertson warned his followers Wednesday against doing yoga. He said by performing the stretches you're praying to the Hindu gods. Any preacher who's ever seen a woman in spandex doing the Downward Facing Dog knows it's the work of the devil.

President Bush was reported Thursday to have installed a hotline to China in the Oval Office three months ago, but it's not working. It's the same old story. OSHA blocked the installation of the telephone when tests showed that the red paint has lead in it.

Britney Spears was shown Thursday running through a bookstore while pursued by photographers. She was flanked by eight Los Angeles police officers. There are lots of volunteers for Britney Spears' security detail on any day Rodney King calls the police.

Rodney King was shot and slightly wounded twice on Thursday while he was bicycling home drunk in Southern California. He serves an important function in the ecosystem. If Los Angeles isn't burned down every fifteen years there is no room for new growth.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio