Argus Hamilton's column for 12-17-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Farmer's Insurance flew agents to Oklahoma last week to aid victims of the ice storm. The company advertises itself as ordinary people doing extraordinary things. This was a good slogan until Thursday but now it just invites a steroid investigation.

The Mitchell Report named eighty-six Major League Baseball players on Thursday as known steroid users. If Jose Canseco hadn't been born in Cuba he could have been a presidential candidate unlike any other. He hasn't lied to the American people yet.

President Bush said Friday he didn't recall anyone using steroids when he owned the Texas Rangers. Jose Canseco and Sammy Sosa played in his outfield. He should have known they were on steroids when a plane hit them and they didn't even fall over.

Alex Rodriguez urged clemency for teammates named in the Mitchell Report. Team management encouraged them to use steroids. If George Steinbrenner couldn't make out the constellation Orion in the acne on your back he would trade you to Cleveland.

Barack Obama's campaign staffers on Friday dismissed any suggestion that his past cocaine use might become a harmful campaign issue. Cocaine makes you feel like you rule the world. Everybody who quits the drug runs for president just to fill the hole.

Hillary Clinton reminded Iowans on Friday there's nothing new that Republicans can throw at her after sixteen years of battle. She said she was tested. If your husband slept around like Bill Clinton did, you would be tested too, and regularly.

GOP candidate Mike Huckabee hired Ed Rollins to run his campaign Thursday. Ed Rollins once worked for Ronald Reagan and Mike Huckabee was once a Baptist preacher. To get to the right of this ticket, Rudy Giuliani would have to invade Czechoslovakia.

Mike Huckabee chided President Bush Friday for having an arrogant bunker mentality on foreign policy and added that it's time for a change from the president's go-it-alone style. It's official. You couldn't be sure the world had turned upside down until a Southern Baptist told an Episcopalian to loosen up and go with the flow.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said Friday he may declare an emergency because California is fourteen billion dollars in the red. He's not getting good reviews. To rebuild his career he may have to do a cartoon movie so he's associated with a hit again.

Attorney General Michael Mukasey demanded Friday that Congress shut down its probe of the CIA's destruction of waterboarding tapes. He said the White House will conduct the investigation. The attorney general reminded Congress that spectators who run onto the field of play are subject to ejection.

President Bush's speechwriter William McGurn announced Friday he'll be leaving the White House. It was an artistic decision. He writes the daily threat report for the president to read every morning but he's decided to go back to writing nonfiction.

President Bush vetoed a bill to expand children's health insurance on Wednesday, saying it's just too expensive. He wants to help needy kids but he objects to the expanded eligibility. When Mitt Romney's kids were covered, he thought it went too far.

The CIA admitted Tuesday it destroyed hundreds of hours of videotape of agents torturing terror suspects. It was bad for morale. Many of these agents were distraught when they saw the videotapes of themselves waterboarding the suspects, but then the White House lawyer assured them that television puts ten pounds on everybody.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio