Argus Hamilton's column for 12-14-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reports snow and ice storms headed for the Eastern Seaboard from the Midwest. The president and first lady plan to spend the evening indoors in front of a roaring fire. There is no place like the evidence room for the holidays.

John Daly hired coach Butch Harmon Tuesday to travel with him on tour and work on his swing. What does he need with a swing coach? John Daly is already addicted to alcohol, gambling, food and nicotine, how is wife-swapping going to help his game?

The George Mitchell Commission released its findings about the use of steroids and performance-enhancing drugs in baseball Thursday. It didn't report on marijuana use. Pot isn't a performance-enhancing drug unless you're in a hot dog eating contest.

Atlanta Falcons coach Bobby Petrino quit Monday to coach at Arkansas. He'd been paid millions by the Falcons to help Michael Vick reach his full potential. Once Michael Vick was sentenced to the full twenty-three months, the coach's work was done.

Mike Ditka dissolved his charity fund for injured and retired NFL players, which collected over a million dollars but only handed out fifty thousand. No one knows the whereabouts of the rest of the cash. They don't call Mike Ditka the honorary mayor of Chicago for nothing.

Sotheby's just auctioned the original movie script of Citizen Kane that belonged to the late Orson Welles. The script he wrote in 1940 sold on Tuesday for a hundred thousand dollars. The Writers Guild sent him a registered letter on Wednesday telling him that he'll never work in this town again.

The White House released its annual Christmas comedy video starring Barney the dog and President Bush on Wednesday. This year it's much shorter than planned. The scene where Barney is chewing on the leg of a detainee at Guantanamo had to be burned.

The White House denied Wednesday it violated two U.S. judges' orders by destroying CIA videotapes of prisoner waterboarding. The government says the judges' orders only applied to interrogations at Guantanamo, where waterboarding is forbidden. These interrogations occurred in Afghanistan, where waterboarding is sponsored by Gatorade.

CIA Director Michael Hayden went before the House Intelligence Committee Wednesday to discuss the CIA's destruction of videotapes. They control his budget but he has their phone records. Everyone on both sides left this hearing wishing they had led a better life.

The White House released President Bush's list of holiday pardons Tuesday. The list includes carjackers, moonshiners, illegal sports gamblers, coke dealers and pot growers. Have you noticed how long it's been since anyone said it's a free country?

Minuteman Project founder James Gilchrist endorsed Mike Huckabee for president on Tuesday in Iowa. His organization sits on the border and tries to catch illegal aliens. The ones who aren't big enough to cook and eat get tossed back over the fence.

Mike Huckabee apologized to Mitt Romney Wednesday for asking a New York Times religion reporter if Mormons believe Jesus and Satan were brothers. Mormons are livid. They say this is exactly the kind of smear that makes them miss polygamy jokes.

Iowa hosted a GOP presidential debate Wednesday which had rules that allowed no mention of illegal immigration or Iraq. That only left the candidates' past sexual history. What Rudy Giuliani wouldn't give to see a skyscraper or a delicatessen right about now.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio