Argus Hamilton's column for 12-11-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Love and Sex with Robots hit the bookstores Tuesday, by artificial intelligence researcher David Levy. He predicts people will be having sex with highly developed robots pretty soon. The research is being funded by Michael Jordan and Paul McCartney.

Oprah Winfrey campaigned for Barack Obama at an Iowa stadium Saturday. They're a great team. Every time Barack Obama made a point about health care, education or foreign policy, Oprah would rattle a set of car keys and the crowd would go crazy.

Tiger Woods will host the Target World Challenge this week at Sherwood Country Club. The prize money will have to be awarded by raffle this year. No one in Los Angeles is permitted to pick up a pencil and write down their score during the strike.

Evel Knievel was given a gigantic funeral in Montana on Monday. He's remembered fondly. Every six months Evel Knievel would do some pointless and life-threatening rocket flight into the sky, but he never billed the taxpayers for it the way NASA does.

Florida Gators' quarterback Tim Tebow won the Heisman Trophy on Saturday. In his acceptance speech, he testified about his strong religious faith. Then he held up the golden statue, prompting Mike Huckabee to smash the Ten Commandments over his television set.

President Bush went bicycle riding in a snowstorm in Virginia Sunday. He hates to miss a day of exercise, no matter how busy he is or how cold it is. If there's one thing worse than an absolute monarch it's one that's going to live to be a hundred.

Hillary Clinton fired two volunteers Sunday for passing along a hoax e-mail saying Barack Obama is a Muslim who plans to destroy America. Slandering him is a challenge for bigots. They tried to accuse him of fathering a black child but he didn't deny it.

Republican candidates held a presidential debate for Hispanic voters on Sunday in Florida, which aired on Spanish language television. They got a hostile reception. Almost one third of the studio audience had just been fired by Mitt Romney.

Rudy Giuliani said Sunday he won't give up his lucrative ownership of the Giuliani Partners consulting firm to become president. His pollsters advised him to look remorseful. Democrats believe it's okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown flew to Iraq Sunday and congratulated the British troops in Basra for winning the war, then told them they will be coming home to Great Britain in a couple of weeks. It really threw cold water on the White House war plans. Dick Cheney spent the rest of the afternoon melting into a puddle under his hat.

The CIA admitted Thursday it destroyed videotapes of CIA agents interrogating terror suspects. Sources said the CIA agents made the tapes to protect themselves from legal jeopardy. They could be prosecuted in Georgia for wasting water during a drought.

CIA Director Michael Hayden testifies before the Senate Intelligence Committee today about the CIA's destruction of videotapes of terror suspects being tortured. Everyone's furious. No one knows how long the writers' strike is going to last and we don't want any more television programming destroyed than is absolutely necessary.

The White House said Friday President Bush does not recall whether he was told of the CIA destroying tapes. Never tell the Washington press corps that you don't recall something. They went to journalism school on Michael Vick's property in Virginia.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio