Argus Hamilton's column for 12-10-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Sotheby's will auction a copy of the Magna Carta on Sunday. It established the right of habeas corpus and limited the king's power. They think it will draw bids up to thirty million dollars, and that's just from the CIA agents who want to destroy it.

Barry Bonds arrived at a federal courthouse in San Francisco on Friday with thousands of cameras flashing. He tried to enter the building through the back entrance but they made him go through the front door. That's the way Dr. King would have wanted it.

Don Imus introduced his new radio sidekick Monday, a black woman from Texas who converted to Judaism. Now he can do no black jokes, no women jokes, no Jewish jokes and no Texas Aggie jokes. Most people see snakes when they are forced to detox this abruptly.

Forbes named the New York Knicks Friday as the NBA's richest franchise, worth six hundred million dollars. The team ownership is up for grabs. With NBA coaches wearing microphones now, the team will be owned by the next three women who refuse Isiah Thomas's advances.

CIA Director Michael Hayden said Thursday he destroyed videotapes of agency interrogators grilling terror suspects four years ago. The tapes were burned. It's nice to know that someone finally read Richard Nixon's farewell address to the nation.

President Bush said Friday he didn't know that the CIA destroyed interrogation tapes. He also didn't know Iran ended its nuclear weapons program four years ago. Dick Cheney uses parental controls to block all the president's channels except ESPN.

Senator Jay Rockefeller announced Friday he will launch a hearing into the CIA's destruction of taped interrogations of terror suspects. His family founded Exxon. You'd think anything that leads to one hundred dollars a barrel would have his full support.

Rudy Giuliani's former mistress and third wife Judi Nathan reportedly got police escorts a year before his second wife even knew about her. Rudy's first wife was his cousin. All Rudy can say is that the Mormon faith may dictate how he lives, but not how he governs.

Mitt Romney said Thursday his Mormon faith shouldn't be a barrier to him becoming the Republican party's nominee for president. It was a great speech. He's seeking to allay concerns among the general public that the Republican party is a religious cult.

Newsweek's poll Friday showed Mike Huckabee with a giant lead over Mitt Romney in Iowa. What century is this? The GOP contest is between a guy who believes the Garden of Eden was in Missouri and a guy whose science textbook puts it in Mesopotamia.

President Bush sounded gloomy Thursday when he lit the National Christmas Tree in the Ellipse in Washington D.C. It just wasn't his week. The day before, he threw a tantrum in the mall after Santa Claus told him he couldn't have a war for Christmas.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced by ethics laws Friday to release his donor list of California billionaires, who gave him lavish trips and huge donations to influence his decisions. It's quite an operation. The reason Arnold Schwarzenegger is at the scene of every wildfire is to tell the firefighters who gave and who didn't.

Ron Paul's supporters plan to fly a blimp from North Carolina to New Hampshire this week with an ingenious marketing ploy. They make money by advertising on the blimp while promoting the candidate's name. Once this concept is explained to Paris Hilton and Oprah Winfrey the entire country will look like a hot air balloon festival.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio