Argus Hamilton's column for 11-4-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Chicago elementary schools on Wednesday banned kids from wearing Halloween masks with President Bush's face on them. All costumes of political figures in America were banned. Grade-schoolers are just too young to understand why these people are so scary.

President Bush's close confidante Karen Hughes quit the administration for the second time Wednesday. She'd been given the task of improving America's public image across the Muslim world. The job was the political equivalent of managing the Yankees.

Joe Torre agreed Thursday to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a ton of money, just a week after being fired by New York. There's a lesson here. If you can smile when things go terribly wrong, Los Angeles is the capital of denial.

The Indianapolis Colts host the New England Patriots today in a battle of the NFL's two unbeaten teams. It's no mystery why. Ever since both teams replaced their offensive lines with Blackwater contractors, nobody's laid a hand on the quarterbacks.

Reggie Bush was sued by a marketing firm Wednesday to recoup the three hundred thousand dollars given to him at USC. None of the ruling bodies will do anything to USC. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has already stated that probation is off the table.

Vladimir Putin was reported Wednesday to be bribing Russian voters with vodka. He can't serve another presidential term so he will become prime minister to stay in power. He doesn't trust his wife to be the president in his place like we do here in America.

Dennis Kucinich stole the show at the Democratic presidential debate Tuesday when he revealed he saw a UFO twenty years ago in the Pacific Northwest. However, he's not an idiot. He said he does not favor giving driver's licenses to space aliens.

Hillary Clinton was ripped by Democratic candidates Tuesday for supporting the idea of giving illegal aliens driver's licenses. Do they know how easy it is to get one? If you think Mexicans are good at construction work you should see them laminate.

The Pew Research Center poll on Wednesday said Hillary Clinton would beat Rudy Giuliani in a landslide nationwide. The wording of the question may have influenced the outcome. The pollsters asked, who do you think looks better in a dress?

GOP lawmaker Richard Curtis resigned from Washington's state House over a gay sex scandal. It's the third gay sex scandal for the GOP this year. The Republican Party national chairman just telephoned Iran's president and asked him how he does it.

President Bush ripped a children's health bill Tuesday because it's paid for by cigarette taxes that hurt working people. He's right. It's working people who smoke, wealthy people with something to live for eat carrots and get their cholesterol tested.

Condi Rice offered Wednesday to give Turkey intelligence on Kurds in Iraq to help them out in any future attack. She's an accomplished concert pianist. Being President Bush's chief peace diplomat to the world gives you lots of time to practice the piano.

Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert tried to run for president in the South Carolina primary Wednesday. He filed as a Democrat because Republicans demand a thirty-five-thousand-dollar filing fee. Republicans keep comedians out of the race by charging them the same price for filing fees that comedians charge the Republicans for banquets.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio