Argus Hamilton's column for 11-29-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush held a Middle East peace conference Tuesday, resulting in Israelis and Arabs agreeing to have an accord by next year. They only had one day to reach a peaceful settlement. That's as long as they could keep Dick Cheney in the hospital.

Israel's Ehud Olmert and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas agreed to begin talks for an independent Palestine. They'll meet every two weeks. The leaders say they are worried because they can hear the clock ticking, at least they think it's a clock.

President Bush badly mispronounced the names of Mahmoud Abbas and Ehud Olmert when he introduced them Tuesday, and then the president pulled their hands together behind the podium where no one could see the handshake. This was his first attempt at peacemaking, and everyone understood he was trying. No one keeps score in tee-ball.

Sudan jailed an English schoolteacher in Khartoum Tuesday after she supervised a classroom election in which the children voted to name a teddy bear Muhammed. She faces a possible forty lashes. That's how opposed they are to elections in Sudan.

Auburn beat Alabama Saturday in one of college football's huge rivalries. After one long incomplete pass in the end zone, an Alabama police dog jumped out and bit the Auburn safety in the hand. To a dog, every football player looks like Michael Vick.

Fred Thompson blamed his slumping presidential campaign Sunday on biased press coverage. This could work out for him. If his poll numbers keep going down and the Hollywood strike doesn't end soon he won't lose a single day of work on Law and Order.

The Writers Guild tried Monday to settle its strike, which has shut down television. It's getting bad. Last night Kelsey Grammar surprised some tourists at the Polo Lounge by stopping by their table to say hello, and then taking their order.

Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can't screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something.

The U.S. Army announced Monday it is retrofitting a million uniforms because the crotch seams keep ripping while soldiers are working in Iraq. They must be sewn up tight. Anything that makes pulling out any easier is a violation of the Bush Doctrine.

Blackwater Security guards were accused in a victim's lawsuit Tuesday of being on steroids as they patrol Iraq. That would explain all the rage incidents. They fell under suspicion when one of them hit an insurgent all the way into McCovey Cove.

Oprah Winfrey agreed to travel to Iowa early next week to speak at rallies for Barack Obama's campaign and to help train his caucus delegates. Crowds line up for hours for the chance to see Oprah in person. That's how many people have written books.

Bill Clinton answered his wife's call to head for Iowa on Monday where he went from town to town on behalf of her candidacy. The former president just loves to get out among the people and press the flesh. It hardly left any time for campaigning.

Teddy Kennedy signed a huge deal Tuesday to write his memoirs in two years. He must have some priceless memories. The Kennedys harken back to a more innocent time in our history when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio