Argus Hamilton's column for 11-28-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush welcomed delegates from forty nations Tuesday to his Middle East peace conference in Maryland. People just laughed. President Bush hosting a Middle East peace conference is like Malibu advertising itself as a sensible place to build.

Malibu wildfires died down on Monday after destroying fifty-three homes in the exclusive beachfront community. It's a neighborhood of show business people living next to an evangelical college, Pepperdine. The friction starts fires every two months.

Miss Puerto Rico was sabotaged at her pageant Sunday by someone who put pepper spray inside her gown and poison in her lipstick. The audience demanded a refund. People came to watch the Miss Puerto Rico pageant and a Miss Russia pageant broke out.

Miami Dolphins' star Ricky Williams returned in time for the Pittsburgh Steelers game after a long suspension for pot. Reaction was swift. The Steelers signed Willie Nelson to get up there and tackle Ricky Williams no matter how high he dives into the end zone.

The National Retail Federation said holiday shopping is down three percent this year. The numbers are misleading. Until somebody figures out how to put a bow on a tank of gasoline, it doesn't count as Christmas shopping no matter how much you pay for it.

John Edwards marched with striking screenwriters in Beverly Hills Monday. He's right at home here. We're the only people who know that his four-hundred-dollar haircut is what you pay at SuperCuts in Beverly Hills, but only if you have a coupon.

Dick Cheney went to the hospital Monday for a procedure to treat his irregular heartbeat. The medical team fired electricity into his heart. Something Dr. Frankenstein never told us was that the monster will require regular booster shots.

Senator Trent Lott announced Monday he'll give up his Senate seat, leaving his Senate leadership post open. The Senate Republicans must elect a new whip. Right now Senator Jon Kyl's running neck-and-neck with the Saudi Arabian Justice Minister.

Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Tuesday to argue that Hillary is the most electable candidate. Everyone was glad to see him. Bill Clinton reminds us all of the time when crossing boundaries referred to sexual harassment and not Middle East invasions.

President Bush signed a deal with Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki Monday, committing U.S. troops to stay in Iraq permanently. The pattern is familiar. It's the illusion of every alcoholic to think they can occupy a country like normal people.

President Bush met Al Gore in the Oval Office Monday before a ceremony saluting this year's Nobel Prize winners. The president was a gracious host. He pushed the thermostat up to ninety degrees to make Al Gore feel that he's right about everything.

Newsweek on Monday spotlighted Rudy Giuliani's upbringing amid all the cops and mobsters in his family. You either want to keep New York safe or you don't. Not even the janitors' union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti protected the place.

Pat Buchanan has written a new book called Day of Reckoning, which says the Iraq War was imperial folly, free trade is a destructive cult and illegal immigration is ruining the country. You can't make it up. Pat Buchanan was Richard Nixon's speechwriter and political advisor, and the Bush administration is even too evil for him to explain.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio