Argus Hamilton's column for 11-27-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Condi Rice will host a peace conference in Maryland today with Israel and the Arab nations. President Bush is pursuing peace in the Middle East. Everybody tells him that the best way to win an Academy Award is to gain ten pounds and play against type.

Malibu suffered the loss of fifty-one homes Saturday from wildfires ignited by Santa Ana winds. Rescue shelters were set up at two schools, but no one showed up. Why on earth would anybody fly down from Park City to spend the night in a gymnasium?

The New York Jets apologized Sunday to the women attending their games who are urged by screaming fans to flash their breasts. The fans are nuts. Last week they gave a five-minute standing ovation to two bald-headed guys who were sitting together.

The Miami Dolphins reinstated Ricky Williams Tuesday after he finished serving his NFL suspension. He's a world-famous running back. The government of Colombia just decided to honor Ricky Williams by placing his photograph on the five-pound bale.

Hillary Clinton sang old hymns at Grace United Methodist Church in Des Moines on Christ the King Sunday. They took up two collections to get her to stop singing. Whenever Hillary sings she sounds like a cat on its way to the tennis racket factory.

Saudi Arabia agreed to attend today's peace conference in Maryland as a favor to the Republicans. The Democrats make the Saudis feel like they're replaceable. Barack Obama is slick and John Edwards is oily and Bill Clinton is nothing if not crude.

Mike Huckabee said Sunday Americans are paying high gas prices that let Saudis finance schools that teach terrorism. We're paying to train terrorists and paying to defend against terrorists. Apparently arranging dogfights is only illegal in Virginia.

Mike Huckabee ripped President Bush Sunday for not speaking out about the Saudi rape victim who was sentenced to two hundred lashes. The president's afraid to say anything. His father is so close to the Saudis that King Abdullah packs his parachute.

Saudi Arabia's Justice Minister defended his decision to sentence a rape victim to two hundred lashes Sunday. He said she was an adulteress who was asking for it. When you make a hundred dollars a barrel you think every woman you meet is a gold digger.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams criticized the U.S. invasion of Iraq in an interview published Sunday. He said it was worse than any British colonial-era land grab. That's a good way to get a million nasty e-mails from the American Indians.

Thanksgiving weekend shopping brought relief to U.S. retailers Sunday. Americans rushed into the stores just as soon as they opened. Everyone wanted to get their shopping done before all the merchandise is recalled for lead content and child labor.

GOP candidate Ron Paul was endorsed for president Saturday by a Nevada brothel owner. They aren't far apart in their views. Ron Paul believes in an immediate pullout and the brothel owner is in favor of the customer having the full fifteen minutes.

The Republican Party was reported Sunday to be recruiting very wealthy people to run for Congress using their own money. It's an awful idea. People with that much money get used to saying whatever they think, and that will end anyone's career in politics.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio