Argus Hamilton's column for 11-26-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The National Retail Federation predicted less consumer spending this Christmas season. It's due to the war, the mortgage crisis and high gas prices. The mood of the country is so gloomy that the start of the holiday season is called Black Friday.

Canadians invaded the U.S. Friday to Christmas shop with the Canadian dollar, which is far stronger than the U.S. dollar. What a slide. Seven years ago we were the world's only superpower, and now we're just hoping that Canadians like us enough to leave a nice tip.

Thailand lawmakers proposed a bill Friday that orders all citizens to stand at attention twice a day for their national anthem. They'll be sorry. We tried this for a year after the World Trade Center attack and when the music stopped we were in Iraq.

White House terrorism advisor Fran Townsend announced Tuesday she will resign to work in the private sector. She ran a tight ship. Last December Santa Claus was detained without bail when he wouldn't hand over his naughty list to Homeland Security.

Saudi Arabia agreed Friday to attend the Mideast peace talks in Annapolis. The White House was smart to invite every nation in the Arab League. With no troops left, our only way to topple these governments is to detain their leaders at Reagan Airport.

The Writers Guild meets with studios today to try to end the three-week-long strike. It must be done. No one wants to say networks are buying their scripts on the street corners but in all the new pilots the crack dealer is the romantic lead.

Fred Thompson bought Christmas gifts for his kids in New Hampshire Friday. He's sixty-five years old. How can people criticize Barry Bonds for using performance-enhancing drugs when Fred Thompson has a three-year-old child and a one-year-old baby?

U.S. Olympic star Marion Jones was stripped of all her Olympic medals. It seemed inevitable. She wore them into the New York Jets game at the Meadowlands on Sunday and by the time she walked through Gate D, the medals were gone and so was her lingerie.

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee tied for the lead in Iowa in the latest presidential poll. He's a conservative Republican and a gun rights advocate who strongly supports the sanctity of holy marriage. It's just the latest in a long list of gay stereotypes.

Hillary Clinton was targeted by a scurrilous e-mail campaign in South Carolina Friday. The e-mails claim that Hillary is having a lesbian affair with a black female staffer. For Southern voters over fifty, interracial dating is still a problem.

Rudy Giuliani started campaigning in diners in New Hampshire Friday along with his television camera crews. He's really starting to annoy people. When Rudy walks into the restaurant with his handkerchief over his face, the chef takes it personally.

China would not let the USS Kitty Hawk dock in Hong Kong Thursday. The sailors had to stay on the ship for Thanksgiving. When the carrier turned around and headed back to Japan, they resisted the temptation to give the Chinese some of their lead back.

Black Friday saw millions of shoppers stampede into malls the moment the doors opened Friday. People were glued to their TV sets. Everyone wants to know what's going to happen at the Social Security office when the first Baby Boomers retire in January.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio