Argus Hamilton's column for 11-25-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Alabama coach Nick Saban compared his team's loss to Louisiana Monroe Saturday to Pearl Harbor and the Twin Towers attack. Crimson Tide fans are mortified. They don't feel that anyone should minimize a catastrophe like the loss of a football game.

Dick Cheney hosted Thanksgiving dinner in Maryland Thursday for his family and a few key staffers. They followed a time-honored ritual. Before they begin to eat, they join hands, close their eyes, bow their heads and get their stories straight.

President Bush denied Tuesday that he knew anything about a cover-up of the leak of Valerie Plame's CIA identity. He's in a fix. For years people said President Bush didn't know anything, and now when he says he didn't know anything, nobody believes him.

Cell and Science journals announced Wednesday that scientists have created stem cells without using embryos, raising hopes for miracle cures. It's not enough. Unless they can cure the ills of the mortgage market, no one is going to live to see the New Year.

Los Angeles shopping malls opened at three in the morning Friday. Extra hours won't help. To compete with Internet shopping, retailers will have to show live camera feeds from the women's dressing room and set up poker tables in the men's department.

New York Jets fans were accused Tuesday of urging women to lift their tops and flash their breasts at games. When the women comply, the men roar their approval. Encouraging women to believe they are beautiful might stop these senseless plastic surgery deaths.

St. Patrick's Cathedral pulled all crucifixes from its gift shop Monday. The church had just learned that the crucifixes are made by underage kids in China. Now the foreman of the sweatshop could be executed in China for promoting Christianity in the workplace.

Neil Diamond said Tuesday a photograph of ten-year-old Caroline Kennedy inspired him to write Sweet Caroline thirty years ago. Those were more innocent times. Today Neil Diamond is no longer allowed to live within two hundred yards of a public school.

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee overtook Mitt Romney in the polls in Iowa Wednesday. It could be the start of a surge. Mike Huckabee lost a hundred pounds two years ago, which is experience voters appreciate during the week of Thanksgiving.

Senator David Vitter learned Monday he won't have to testify against Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey. She performs a public service. She offers senators the chance to end their careers without having to fly all the way to the Minneapolis airport.

Saudi Arabian courts last week sentenced a female rape victim to ninety lashes for being alone with a man without a male relative present. The whipping was a public service message. Saudis want the world to know that they don't just hate Jews.

President Bush praised Hillary Clinton in an ABC News interview Wednesday. It's no mystery why the president is being so nice to her. The way the CIA leak scandal is playing out, he's being nice to everybody who might be in a position to pardon him.

Barack Obama told a high school assembly that he drank alcohol and smoked pot in high school. He also admitted to cocaine use. Rudy Giuliani praised his honesty and expects the favor to be returned if adultery comes up during next year's debates.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio