Argus Hamilton's column for 11-22-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, and how's everybody?

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick surrendered to federal marshals ahead of schedule Monday to begin serving his jail term for dogfighting charges. He decided to check into prison three weeks early. That's how much some people hate the holidays.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade will proceed down Broadway in New York City today. This year the city is taking special precautions to make sure the hot air balloons don't kill anybody. They are banning presidential candidates from the streets.

Thanksgiving Day prompted record travel volume by Americans this week by plane and automobile. Oil prices hurt. Filling up the gas tank was such excruciating torture that Rudy Giuliani has just labeled it a necessary tool in the War on Terror.

The U.S. Appeals Court agreed Monday to decide a case brought by the blind, who want U.S. currency resized. However, there is opposition. If Ben Franklin's head gets any bigger, the Baseball Hall of Fame won't accept anything larger than a twenty.

The House Subcommittee on Coast Guard and Maritime Transportation came to San Francisco Monday to hold hearings on the oil spill. They convened and dined at the Golden Gate Club at the Presidio. Never have the Oysters Rockefeller been so authentic.

Jay Leno and David Letterman forfeited their network salaries last week to honor the Writers Guild strike. No wonder Hillary is slipping in the polls. With the late-night shows in reruns everyone thinks her husband's seeing Monica Lewinsky again.

Saudi Arabia prompted outrage Monday after a female rape victim was ordered to be whipped for being alone with a man. It's disturbing. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't added to the list of countries we should have invaded instead of Iraq.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez threatened the U.S. with two-hundred-dollar-a-barrel oil Sunday if the U.S. attacks Iran. It didn't have the intended effect. Dick Cheney made a tape of the speech because every time he watches it, it saves him ten dollars a pill.

CBS News writers declared Monday they have voted to go on strike after working without a contract for a year. It's a huge break for the CBS Evening News. This is their chance to turn it into a talk show for women and really get their ratings up.

Homeland Security's Fran Townsend compared President Bush to George Washington in her resignation note Monday. She can't take a private job right away. She will first have to spend twenty-eight days at the Betty Ford Center for Kool-Aid addiction.

Karl Rove advised all Republican candidates Monday to distance themselves from President Bush next year. You have to take his word on this. When Dr. Frankenstein tells you not to make eye contact with his creation, to argue with him could be fatal.

Barack Obama overtook Hillary Clinton by four points in Iowa polls Monday. Her poll numbers only go up when she's perceived as a wronged woman. Bill Clinton was last seen leafing through his little black book reciting Dr. King's Free at Last speech.

Homeland Security adviser Fran Townsend resigned Monday but warned that terrorists are planning to disrupt U.S. elections. She doesn't realize we're on the right track to win this war. The best way to destroy terrorists is to pay them a hundred dollars a barrel for oil and in five years if the champagne doesn't kill them, the cocaine will.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio