Argus Hamilton's column for 11-20-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barry Bonds was indicted on federal perjury charges Thursday, ending his baseball career. Nobody misses him in San Francisco. They've been scooping the oil out of the bay and making just as much money as they used to make selling the home run balls.

Fox News showed a New Hampshire turkey farmer Sunday who fattens up his holiday turkeys by feeding them Coors. It's a start. Now if he could get all the turkeys in New Hampshire drunk, it just might make the next presidential debate worth watching.

Rickey Williams was allowed to rejoin the Miami Dolphins Friday after four suspensions for pot. The city has a casual approach to law enforcement. The Miami Dolphins team drug policy is the same as Miami's immigration policy: nobody gets a fifth chance.

French transportation workers went on strike Friday, shutting down all buses and subway service. That thirty-five-hour work week leaves them exhausted. There aren't enough hours in the day for the people of France to balance work, family and adultery.

Detroit moved past St. Louis Sunday on the FBI list of most dangerous cities in the United States. The fan excitement is building. With St. Louis out of the way, Detroit will play the winner of Baghdad versus Mogadishu for the Capone Cup next June.

MTV launched a new channel in Dubai Monday called MTV Arabia, for people in the Middle East. All the songs will be performed by Arab rock groups and Arab rap artists. If all goes well, in six months Israel will be the ally and the enemy will be downloading.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez addressed the OPEC meeting in Saudi Arabia Sunday. He threatened the U.S. with two-hundred-dollar-a-barrel oil if the U.S. attacks Venezuela or Iran. What Hugo Chavez doesn't understand is that two-hundred-dollar oil and a new war is not a threat to the Bush Administration, it's the goal of the Bush Administration.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda arrived at the White House on Friday. The TV networks refused to cover the welcome ceremony. As soon as President Bush tried to pronounce the prime minister's name they would all get fined millions for obscenity.

President Bush took action to lighten air traffic congestion Thursday. He decided to leave the East Coast air corridor unpatrolled during Thanksgiving week. If there isn't a terrorist attack soon his approval rating is going to fall into single digits.

President Bush will meet with this year's Nobel Prize winners next week, including Al Gore. There's no resentment of Al's success at the White House. There's going to be a sign on the South Lawn that reads, If You'd Had Better Lawyers You'd Be Home Now.

John McCain declared on Sunday that if he wins the nomination, he will reject Secret Service protection. He's extremely cocky. After the North Vietnamese and his stand in favor of illegal immigration failed to kill him, he concluded that he's bulletproof.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by a sheet metal workers' union convention in Las Vegas Sunday. She worked the crowd hard. She's in competition with the blackjack tables to get twenty-three hundred dollars out of each of them before they leave town.

Rudy Giuliani took the stadium microphone at the NASCAR Ford 400 race Sunday in rural Florida and said America must break its dependence on foreign oil. It drew huge cheers from the race fans. Everyone in the crowd operates a corn still, and since the ethanol subsidies were passed they are getting ten times the price per jug.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio