Argus Hamilton's column for 11-19-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Bridge Federation may suspend the world champion U.S. bridge team for holding up a sign at the awards banquet saying they didn't vote for President Bush. They weren't joking. The better you get at bridge, the less tolerance you have for beginners.

The Broadway stagehands' strike shut down every show on Broadway last week amid charges of union featherbedding. It might be true. The strikers' cause suffered a setback when cameras showed seven stagehands holding up each and every one of the picket signs.

The Justice Department will grant early release to crack cocaine prisoners on Monday and Tuesday. The release will be carried live on ESPN. The NFL supplemental player draft will be held on Monday, and the NBA supplemental player draft will be held on Tuesday, and NBC will draft writers for Saturday Night Live from whatever's left.

Jack Nicholson revealed Tuesday he turned down a chance to buy the New York Yankees. It was an opportunity missed. Anybody who saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest knows that the transition from Jack Nicholson to George Steinbrenner would be virtually seamless.

Warren Buffett called for higher taxes on the wealthy and higher estate taxes during Senate testimony Wednesday. Lawmakers were enraptured. To Democrats, the only thing better than a rich guy asking to be taxed is a female accuser volunteering to be run over by a truck.

President Bush handed out the National Medals for Arts and Humanities Thursday to writers, artists, musicians and thinkers. They had to be nervous going into the White House. Executing the intellectuals is always the next step after waterboarding.

Adolf Hitler's office globe, which he kept at his Eagle's Nest retreat, was sold to the highest bidder Tuesday for one hundred thousand dollars at an auction house in San Francisco. The globe's not in very good condition. All the borders are rubbed out.

Santa Clauses in Australia were told by their department store trainers Tuesday not to say Ho Ho Ho because it's too much like U.S. street slang for prostitutes. They will say it anyway. When Don Imus got a twenty million dollar settlement after getting fired for saying Ho once, the Santas figure three times should be worth sixty million.

O.J. Simpson was ordered to stand trial in Las Vegas Tuesday. The case has fame, race, gunplay, payback, star power, and a glittering Las Vegas setting. It has every element the country needs for quality entertainment with the writers on strike.

Hillary Clinton reversed herself Thursday and opposed giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens. She has two positions on Iraq, two on Social Security, and two on immigration. The only thing with more positions than Hillary Clinton is the Kama Sutra.

Iowa tightened in the polls Tuesday in the Democratic presidential race. They scheduled the caucuses on the night of January 3rd, which was insane. It means the next president of the United States will be the candidate who can persuade twenty-five voters to leave the house during the college football championship game.

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf said Wednesday he'll quit as army chief and just be president. There's no way he'll lift the state of emergency. He just placed all his opponents under house arrest and it feels like he has the road all to himself.

Paris Hilton denied reports Wednesday she's adopting the cause of binge-drinking elephants in India. Last month, four elephants got drunk on rice beer, uprooted a power pole, and knocked out the electricity to an entire village. They're the first Republicans on earth to do something about global warming.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio