Argus Hamilton's column for 11-14-07

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Broadway Stagehands Union went on strike Saturday, closing down all the shows in New York. They vowed they will stay out on strike until theater owners start behaving honorably. Let's hope their wives work and their kids go to a public college.

Heather Mills McCartney was dropped by her lawyer and publicist in her divorce case with Paul McCartney Friday. Her only hope is a change of venue to Los Angeles. Under California law if you don't have a publicist, the court will provide one for you.

John Daly has a new book out called Golf My Own Damned Way, in which the golfer cheerfully details his drinking and smoking and gambling and overeating. To get totally sober he'd have to give up four addictions. It's easier to withdraw from Iraq.

President Bush asked German Chancellor Angela Merkel Sunday to convince five thousand German businesses to leave Iran. It wasn't hard enough to spread democracy to the Middle East. Now he wants to try to get Germans to leave a country voluntarily.

White House official Donald Kerr said Americans have to change their definition of privacy. He said privacy can no longer mean anonymity. Not many people know that James Madison said the Constitution is null and void in the event that two buildings go down.

Pervez Musharraf wouldn't say Sunday how long he'll keep Pakistan in a state of emergency. He can't say because he's fighting terrorism. Osama bin Laden just vowed to blow up the Pakistan Hilton if room service ever takes three rings to answer again.

GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson caused an uproar Friday by suggesting that Social Security benefits be cut to reduce spending. The actor is in a lot of trouble. He never would have said anything so stupid if the writers weren't on strike.

Iowa Democrats reviewed the presidential candidates at a banquet Saturday. The candidates took turns raking Hillary over the coals. Normally when six men jump a New York woman it's another embarrassing end to the city's annual Puerto Rican Day parade.

Barack Obama took a swipe at Hillary Clinton Saturday saying the country needs conviction not calculation, while John Edwards implied that's she's evasive and dissembling. The Republicans are warming up in the bullpen. The day Hillary Clinton retires from public life she has a lifetime job waiting for her as a greeter at Target.

Mitt Romney told voters Sunday his advisors don't think he should give a speech explaining his Mormon faith. All hell could break loose. Mormons are taught that God arrived on Earth from another planet in alien form and the last thing Mitt Romney needs is controversy over whether God should be allowed a driver's license in America.

President Bush's father George H.W. Bush opened his newly renovated library last week. He sells autographed pictures of himself for two hundred dollars in the gift shop. They tricked him into signing the photos by telling him they were tax increases.

NASA towed the Shuttle Atlantis onto its launch pad at Cape Canaveral Saturday, a month ahead of the next launch. Lots of rehearsal time is critical. If astronauts press the wrong button on the control panel, the entire countdown switches to Spanish.

China admitted Sunday that Aqua Dots toy beads are coated with chemicals which turn into a date-rape drug if swallowed. They weren't recalled for being unsafe. The Distilled Spirits Council filed a trade grievance accusing China of selling below cost.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio