Argus Hamilton's column for 11-11-07

RANCHO MIRAGE--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The International Tennis Federation said Tommy Haas may have been sick for the last six weeks because he was poisoned before a match in Moscow. It's sad. Tommy Haas was this close to winning the Nobel Prize as the first tennis player to go green.

San Francisco Bay was inundated by a sixty thousand gallon oil spill Wednesday when a tanker ran aground. Each barrel of oil was worth a hundred dollars. By the end of the day, the third richest oil family in California was the Otters of Oakland.

Fox Network had to suspend production of its counterterror drama Twenty-Four last week. The show became a casualty of the writer's strike. President Bush took the megaphone out of the desk drawer and vowed he will bring the Writers Guild to justice.

Young Frankenstein opened on Broadway Thursday with songs and dialogue by Mel Brooks. The special effects are wild. As soon as Pat Robertson signed on with the Rudy Giuliani campaign, the show had the advantage of real lightning in the first act.

Rudy Giuliani's former police commissioner and pal Bernard Kerik was indicted in New York on Thursday. He kept a love nest with a view of Ground Zero. He liked to open up the champagne and remind new prospects that we could all die at any moment.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced a bill in the House Tuesday calling for Dick Cheney to be investigated for deliberately using false evidence to launch the war in Iraq. Don't expect this bill to go very far. Kobe Bryant is more likely to pass.

Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf said Thursday that he's decided to go ahead and have upcoming elections. President Bush was tremendously relieved. He was so worried about Pakistan that for two days he delegated the bombing of Iran to Israel.

President Bush raised money in Texas Thursday for Senator John Cornyn's re-election bid. Cornyn's having a tough time because so many Texans think he's too close to President Bush. The president's own dad has started asking friends to call him Herbert.

The Senate overrode President Bush's veto for the first time in his presidency Thursday. The aftermath was tense. Seventy-nine senators waited nervously to see if their phone sex conversations would be that evening's background music on Fox News.

Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Thursday and campaigned in Onawa and Glenwood, where people lined up for two hours to see him. It was awesome. He's such a rock star that people were asking him why he's going to pay so much alimony to Heather Mills McCartney.

Hillary Clinton's campaign denied Thursday that she and her staffers failed to tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. Actually she gave her an excellent tip. She told her never to answer a question about driver's licenses for illegal aliens.

Paulson poker chips, made in Las Vegas, were found Thursday to contain high levels of lead. Not to worry. The reason casinos are so big and lavish is that gamblers cannot hang onto their chips long enough for any statistically measurable health risk.

National Football League owners agreed to make more cash available to disabled retired players. The players' pension plan is already generous. As it is, you can retire after ten years, murder your wife and still get ten thousand dollars per month.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio