Tabloid update: "Obama Lung Cancer Drama"

America Wants To Know runs like a gazelle from the first sign of news about anything medical -- don't ask, why should we both have nightmares -- but today in the supermarket checkout line the Globe tabloid lifted itself into the air and swan-dived into the cart, so we might as well tell you what it said.

"Obama Lung Cancer Drama," the cover announces in grotesque yellow letters. "Coughing fits - Chest pains - Alarming 25 lb. weight loss."

Inside, the tabloid reports that White House insiders estimate the president's weight is down from 180 pounds during the campaign to about 155 pounds now.

"Everyone fears he has lung cancer because of his smoking and coughing," the Globe's source says, "And he often can't keep food down. In fact, at the last White House banquet he left the room suddenly and vomited."

That's not good.

"He's had a lot of dizzy spells lately," says another source. The Globe reports that the president suffered a "shocking collapse" during a late-night meeting at the White House.

That's not good either.

The tabloid says the president is refusing to see a doctor despite "prolonged coughing fits, dizzy spells, chest pains and a loss of appetite" and is continuing to "smoke up a storm."

"Michelle is livid because he keeps sneaking ciarettes and she can smell the smoke on his breath and clothes," an "insider" tells the Globe.

Before everyone on Wall Street gets their hopes up -- did you ever hear the 1930s-era joke about the businessman who looked searchingly at the newspapers every day as he walked by the newsstand until finally the owner asked him what he was looking for, and the businessman said he was looking for an obituary, and the newsstand owner said they were inside the papers toward the back, and the businessman said, no, the one I'm looking for will be on the front page -- President Obama may be suffering not from lung cancer but from the symptoms of nicotine overdose:

"[Nicotine] overdose symptoms may include nausea; vomiting; diarrhea; stomach pain; cold sweat; headache; dizziness; problems with hearing or vision; confusion; uneven heartbeats; chest pain; seizures; and death," the Drugs.com website advises.

If President Obama is using nicotine gum or patches and continuing to "smoke up a storm," he might be experiencing symptoms of nicotine overdose.

Anyone who's doing that and experiencing those symptoms should either quit or stop pretending to quit.

Or buy Philip Morris stock and let the chips fall where they may.


Copyright 2009

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