Tabloid update: "Michelle & Obama adopting baby boy!"

Under the heading, "More than we want to know," this week's Globe tabloid blasts supermarket shoppers with the news that the "First Lady CAN'T get pregnant."

"And believe me," the Globe's source tattles, "she has tried and tried to get pregnant but just can't."

That's why the president and the first lady have decided to adopt a child, the Globe reveals in a "World Exclusive."

"Michelle sees a baby as the answer for all their ills," the Globe's source explains, "She says a baby makes their family complete -- and helps them politically."

Yes, "the Obamas are convinced a new baby will divert the nation's attention away from the country's troubles and improve his popularity."

Not unless they adopt one of the Reagans.

The Obamas "are working with adoption attorneys and have sent out a three person team across the country searching for the perfect baby," one of the tabloid's sources said (writer Randy Jernigan said there were two sources for this story).

"The secret search for a child isn't said to be focusing on the infant's race," the Globe reports.

So the Reagans are still in it.

"They have set only two criteria -- the baby has to be American and have an underprivileged background."

Aw, the Reagans are out. Two for three, what can you do.

The tabloid insists in a big red headline across pages 34 and 35 that the first couple will adopt by June, but the story really isn't very credible. It goes on and on about the difficulty of finding the right baby, and it never even mentions that Malia's allergic.

More interesting is the story across the bottom third of pages 34 and 35, headlined "Obama Trick Squad ROASTS Limbaugh!" It appears to be a payoff to the White House "insiders" who gave the Globe the intimate details of Mrs. Obama's pregnancy tests.

"Rush looks RIDICULOUS after he falls for presidential scam," the Globe gloats in bold type.

"Egg on his face," the tabloid sneers.

This story is about a hoax thesis, allegedly written by Barack Obama when he was a student at Columbia University, which was posted on the Internet and then "fed to Limbaugh as fact by people secretly working for Obama," according to the Globe.

In the thesis, titled "Aristocracy Reborn," Obama supposedly wrote that the U.S. Constitution fits people with the "shackles of hypocrisy" and is an inconvenient "obstacle."

Before he realized he had been hoaxed, Rush told his listeners that the document supported the argument that President Obama is a "closet socialist."

Of course that's ridiculous. Barack Obama is a closet socialist the way Lindsay Lohan is a closet partyer. The way Alex Rodriguez is a closet Yankee. The way Rush Limbaugh is a closet Republican.

The most interesting thing about the Globe's nasty and insulting story on Rush Limbaugh is the picture they chose to illustrate it, which shows the radio legend looking slim and tanned and just great.

Why did the Globe use such a flattering picture? Could it be because they promised the White House they'd run an embarrassing story about him ("Radio loudmouth Rush Limbaugh was soundly humiliated in front of millions of Americans after falling for a scam masterminded by President Obama's dirty tricks squad!" the story begins) but in fact the editors have no desire to make the talk show host look bad?

How bad does it look for the White House to have a "dirty tricks squad" running around trying to "humiliate" broadcasters?

Maybe it's pointless to read tea leaves in a tabloid. Maybe it's all fiction.

On the other hand, this is the second straight week the Globe has splashed the Obamas on the cover and as of this writing the tabloid has not yet been nationalized, or threatened with an antitrust prosecution, or blamed for the unemployment rate or the foreclosure crisis or the premature deaths of Americans without health insurance. So they must be doing something right.

Last week the Globe headlined a "Dramatic White House meltdown" that had "Michelle in tears" as "Obama goes berserk!" over his falling popularity.

"Obama Explodes!" the Globe reported in a world exclusive, "White House sources say Obama erupted during a late-night meeting in the Oval Office that left his inner circle stunned and his wife in tears."

No wonder she can't get pregnant!

"You people aren't doing your jobs," the president told his stunned staff, according to the Globe's source, "Get it right or get another job! Turn this thing around!"

Then the president demanded to know why people hate him. "Right now, he's a broken man," an insider told the Globe.

Aww, that's too bad.

Maybe the adoption attorneys can find him a new economic policy. One of those little flat taxes from Eastern Europe would be just darling.


Copyright 2009

Editor's note: You might be interested in the earlier posts, "The hit on Rush Limbaugh" and "Tabloid update: Clinton! Parkinson's! Michelle! Baby Tragedy!"

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