Reading the mind of Nancy Pelosi

America Wants To Know was puzzled that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi scheduled a vote on the health care reform bill for this Saturday evening, despite persistent reports that she still lacks the votes to pass it.

"What is she thinking?" we asked Mendel the Mind Reader after he answered our Help Wanted ad in person, having divined the location of our offices through the use of supernatural powers, or a Google search.

Mendel pressed his fingertips lightly against his temples and closed his eyes.

"Well?" we asked, after waiting patiently for more than a minute.

"Re-election," Mendel said in a throaty, other-worldly voice.

"No, you didn't understand the question," we said. "What is Speaker Pelosi thinking by scheduling a vote on the health care bill when still doesn't have the votes to pass it? Can you read her mind or not?"

"Re-election," Mendel growled.

"Look, if you can't read her mind, just say so," we said.

Mendel stood up and extended his arms horizontally, stretching his fingertips as far as they would reach. His eyebrows were scrunched together and his mouth was turned down in a sharp frown of concentration. Slowly he brought his fingertips toward his face and pressed them against his forehead.

"Re-election!" he screamed in a high, shrill voice.

"Thank you for coming in," we said. "We'll let you know."

It is so hard to find good help.

Fortunately America Wants To Know already has an experienced and board-certified Gypsy fortune teller on the payroll. Madame Lyubitshka doesn't read minds, but she does see the future.

The crystal ball and the fringed tablecloth were set up in no time.

"I see," Madame Lyubitshka said softly, gazing into the crystal. "I see Speaker Pelosi. I see tulips. It is spring."

"Where is she?" we asked.

The Gypsy woman beckoned. "See for yourself, " she said.

We peered into the crystal and saw the wavering image of the Speaker of the House addressing a crowd in a hotel ballroom. "It looks like a fund-raiser," we said. Speaker Pelosi's voice faded in and out. We leaned in to try to catch what she was saying.

"...closest we have ever come," the Speaker said. Her voice sounded faint and far away. Here and there we could just pick up a phrase.

"...not a single Republican vote."

"...more Democrats in the House to push us over the finish line."

"...need your support to make it happen."

"...so close."

The image faded away. Madame Lyubitshka leaned back with a self-satisfied little sigh.

"But what does it mean?" we asked.

"I'll tell you what it means." The voice belonged to Lieutenant Columbo. "I just came by to pick up my check," he said. "The post office is so slow in Los Angeles."

Not as slow as the acting business.

We took an envelope from the desk drawer and handed it to him. "Okay," we said, "What does it mean?"

Lieutenant Columbo smiled and slipped the envelope into the pocket of his raincoat. "It means she'd rather promise health care than pass it," he said. "It means that one way or another she's going to get rid of the bill before the Thanksgiving recess. She doesn't want to spend the next twelve months telling the voters that they're now required to buy health insurance. She'd rather spend the next twelve months telling them that health care reform was killed by the Republicans."

"That's absurd, Lieutenant," we protested. "The Democrats have a huge majority in the House and sixty votes in the Senate. They control everything. The Republicans don't have enough votes to block a hallway."

"Maybe not," he said. "But she'll blame the Republicans. The president will blame the Republicans. The media will blame the Republicans. If that doesn't work, they'll blame the insurance companies. They'll blame the Tea Party activists. They'll blame Wall Street. They'll blame George W. Bush. And all the while they'll keep repeating that they can reach the goal if they can just elect more Democrats in 2010. They don't have to convince anybody but their base. They think if they can raise enough money and turn out their base, the Democrats will all be re-elected."

Madame Lyubitshka emitted a low whistle. "He's good," she murmured.

"So what you're telling me is that Speaker Pelosi doesn't care if the bill goes down to defeat on Saturday? She just wants to be rid of it?"

"By Thanksgiving," the lieutenant said. "There's only one thing on her mind and that's re-election."

We took a contract and a pen out of the desk drawer. "Did you pass a mind reader on your way in here?" we asked the lieutenant. "Did you happen to see which way he went?"


Copyright 2009

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