Tabloid update: "Hillary's shocking secret illness"

America Wants To Know happened to stop by the supermarket tonight and was nearly killed at the checkstand when the Globe tabloid virtually jumped right out of its metal rack, practically hit us in the head and almost knocked us unconscious.

Actually, we just took a copy out of the rack and tossed it onto the conveyer belt.

But that's the general spirit of the cover story, frighteningly headlined "Hillary's Shocking Secret Illness -- Blackouts, blinding headaches & shortness of breath."

Inside, there's no evidence whatsoever of any of this, a minor factual detail that we are very happy to report.

"Everyone is scared something is terribly wrong with Hillary," says the Globe's "insider," who goes on to reveal, "The headaches, the shortness of breath, the chest pains are real. She's concerned that she's ruining her health while working long hours and enduring grueling travel as Secretary of State."

The Globe's sources say Secretary Clinton "is planning to leave her cabinet post by next summer and quit politics for good!"

But in the very same paragraph, and again in the one after that, the Globe emphatically notes that recent polls show Mrs. Clinton to be "MORE popular than her boss President Barack Obama."

So what's the shocking secret illness?

"Already the 62-year-old former U.S. Senator from New York, ex-First Lady and defeated presidential contender has suffered two frightening falling incidents," the Globe says.

Then they list them.

The first one was in 2005, when Senator Clinton "suddenly collapsed" while giving a speech in Buffalo, New York. Her staff said she fainted due to a stomach virus, and she canceled a speech scheduled for the next day.

The second incident was earlier this year, when Secretary Clinton broke her elbow in a fall. "Hillary insists she slipped and fell," the Globe reports, "but others question whether she could have collapsed."

There's no evidence given, not so much as an "insiders say," to support the theory that she may have collapsed, but these two incidents, four years apart, are apparently the "terrifying blackouts" the Globe mentions in its colorful headlines.

Then there are a few more complaints about grueling job-related travel to "far-flung" places. "She doesn't want to have a heart attack in some place like Zimbabwe or Moscow," the Globe's source said, "She's afraid if she keeps pushing herself, eventually that's what will happen to her."

The Globe backs up its reporting that Hillary Clinton is in the midst of a "secret health crisis" with quotes from "friends" who believe she showed "typical symptoms of thyroid trouble" including weight gain, headaches, and fatigue, in 2001.

In 2001?

She certainly seemed fine in 2008.

In fact, she seems absolutely fine right now. She's giving interviews, she's wearing bright colors, she's polling better than the president, and she has an active and well staffed presidential campaign office that took in $9,300 in campaign contributions and $172,000 in income from mailing-list rental during the third quarter of this year.

Seriously. That's not from the Globe, that's from the Federal Election Commission.

According to Secretary Clinton's filings with the FEC, as of September 30 she had $2 million in her campaign bank account to cover less than a million dollars in unpaid bills. As of June 30 she still had eight salaried employees working in her campaign office, although one of them told the New York Daily News that the staff would soon be cut to five.

Just for comparison, New York's senior senator, Chuck Schumer, reported a staff of three for the same period, and he's planning to run again.

Is Hillary?

Her old Senate seat is now held by Kirsten Gillibrand, but because Sen. Gillibrand was appointed to the seat to fill a vacancy, she has to run for re-election in 2010 and again in 2012 when the six-year election cycle for the seat is up.

Her old Senate campaign committee has $2.1 million in its bank account. That's in addition to the $2 million in the presidential campaign committee account, which is still accepting donations at www.HillaryClinton.com.

But never mind, the Globe says Hillary Clinton is quitting politics. "Sources believe a mysterious health problem is behind her decision to abandon public service," the tabloid reports.

A mysterious health problem. Maybe she's sick of President Obama.

It's going around.

The Globe says Secretary Clinton will quit the administration in mid-2010. "'She will explain it as a desire to spend quality private time with her husband, Bill,' a pal says. 'But don't believe it.'"

Don't worry!


Copyright 2009

Editor's note: You might be interested in the earlier tabloid updates, "Clinton! Parkinson's! Michelle! Baby Tragedy!" and "Obama's Secret Enemies List"