Certifiable

Lt. Columbo ambled into the America Wants to Know offices last night carrying a stack of newspaper clippings. "This is really something," he said. "Did you know that only a 'natural-born citizen' can be president of the United States?"

"Not you too," we said. "Of all the right-wing, extremist, looney-bin nonsense..."

Columbo folded back a page of newsprint. "Listen to this," he said. "'Almost since those words were written in 1787 with scant explanation, their precise meaning has been the stuff of confusion, law school review articles, whisper campaigns and civics class debates over whether only those delivered on American soil can be truly natural born.'"

"Columbo, please," we pleaded.

"I just want to read this to you," he said. "'There is certainly no precedent,' said Sarah H. Duggin, an associate professor of law at Catholic University who has studied the issue extensively. 'It is not a slam-dunk situation.'"

"Lieutenant..."

"Here's what former Senator Don Nickles said about it: 'There is some ambiguity because there has never been a court case on what "natural-born citizen" means.'" The detective waved off our protests and continued.

"'Franklin D. Roosevelt Jr. was once viewed as a potential successor to his father, but was seen by some as ineligible since he had been born on Campobello Island in Canada,'" he read. "And listen to this: 'Lawyers who have examined the topic say there is not just confusion about the provision itself, but uncertainty about who would have the legal standing to challenge a candidate on such grounds.'" Columbo raised his arms wide and shrugged. "Nobody knows," he said.

"Lieutenant Columbo," we said with all the patience we could muster, "Barack Obama was born in Hawaii."

"Who's talking about Barack Obama?" Columbo said. "This article is about John McCain." He put it on the desk with a grin.

Sure enough, it was a story from the New York Times dated February 28, 2008. Senator McCain, who was born in the Panama Canal Zone while his father, a Navy officer, was stationed there, had hired former U.S. Solicitor General Ted Olson to research the question of whether he was a "natural-born citizen" or not.

Mr. Olson told the Times, "I don’t have much doubt about it," but then added that he still needed to finish his research, and an Atlanta lawyer by the name of Jill Pryor, who wrote a paper on the natural-born question for the Yale Law Journal, told the Times, "It is certainly not a frivolous issue."

We apologized to the lieutenant for thinking he was investigating Barack Obama's birth certificate.

"Don't apologize," Columbo said, pulling up a chair. "I am investigating Barack Obama's birth certificate.

"He was born in Hawaii," we repeated with emphasis. "You can see the birth announcements from the newspapers on the Internet."

"I have the copies right here," the lieutenant said, unfolding two crumpled pages. "This is from the Honolulu Advertiser, Sunday, August 13, 1961, under birth announcements: 'Mr. and Mrs. Barack H. Obama, 6085 Kalanianaole Hwy., son, August 4."

"Exactly," we said.

"Exactly where," Columbo asked, "Does it say where he was born?"

We looked at the paper. "Well, it's the Honolulu paper, right? So he was born in Honolulu."

"They lived in Honolulu," Columbo said, "but the birth announcement doesn't say he was born in this hospital or that one. It just says this couple who live in Honolulu had a baby boy."

We had to admit, he had a point.

"They could have been in San Francisco or New York City or anywhere when the baby was born and still have put an announcement in their hometown paper for their friends and neighbors to see."

We looked again. "Well, none of these birth announcements say where the babies were born," we said.

"No, they don't, you're absolutely right about that," the lieutenant said.

"But there's a birth certificate with a seal on it from Hawaii," we said. "It's on the Internet."

Columbo reached into an inside pocket of his raincoat. "You mean this one?" he asked. "That's not actually a birth certificate. That's a certification that the state of Hawaii produced at the request of the Obama campaign in 2007 or 2008. It certifies that he was born in the state, but it's not actually his birth certificate."

"How do you know?" we asked.

"Because of this woman," Columbo said, searching in another pocket. "Her name is Dr. Chiyome Fukino. She's the director of Hawaii's State Department of Health. She said in October that she has personally seen the birth certificate, and that should be good enough for everybody. Then she said it again this week. " He found the piece of paper he was looking for and unfolded it on the desk.

"July 27, 2009," Columbo read, "'Health Director Dr. Chiyome Fukino said Monday she has seen the original birth records that verify Obama was born in Hawaii, and is a "natural-born American citizen." Fukino made the announcement in hopes of ending any lingering rumors about Obama's citizenship. She issued a similar press release Oct. 31.'"

"She's seen the original birth certificate?" we asked.

"That's what she said," Columbo agreed.

"So that's that."

"Right," Columbo said, "That's that." He stood up and started to walk toward the door. Then he stopped.

"I just, if you don't mind, I just have one more question," he said, turning around. "Why can't we see it?"

"See what?" we asked.

"The original birth certificate," Columbo said. "The one Dr. Fukino said she has personally seen with her own eyes. Why can't the rest of us see it?"

"Why don't you ask her?"

"I did ask her," Columbo said. "I followed her around for ninety minutes, less commercials. She said nobody can see an original birth certificate unless they have a 'tangible interest.'"

"What does that mean?"

"It probably means you'd have to have a court order. But that brings us back to this problem," he said, picking up the New York Times clipping. "There is 'uncertainty about who would have the legal standing to challenge a candidate on such grounds.'"

"This is very confusing," we said. "Are you saying that nobody has the right to ask for proof that the president of the United States was born in this country?"

"That's the way it's shaping up," Columbo said. "Of course, Hawaii would give President Obama his own birth certificate, if he asked for it. He could get it and make it public."

"Well, that would certainly put a stop to all the lawsuits and rumors and questions," we said. "Why doesn't he just do that?"

Columbo was unfolding another clipping. "There were reports," he said, "that Hawaii had destroyed all the paper records when they computerized everything back in 2001."

"Oh," we said. "So that's it. The paper records are all gone."

"No, actually they're not," Columbo said. "This is from Wednesday's L.A. Times, the Calendar section, page D10 -- my wife loves the Calendar section -- 'Hawaii Health Department officials told the Los Angeles Times last week that old birth records have not been destroyed.'"

We looked at the lieutenant.

He looked at us.

"The L.A. Times?" we asked.

"The L.A. Times," he said.

"But they're not a right-wing extremist looney-bin."

"No," he said. "They're damn near as good as I am."



Copyright 2009

Editor's note: You might be interested in the earlier post, "Tabloid update: 'Where Obama was really born!'"

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