Starbucks cut from cheerleading squad

One of America Wants To Know's greatest disappointments in life was the sad realization that most people never really get out of high school.

It is astounding to us how many grown-up people in this country make their decisions, big and small, based not on any independent judgment or objective standard of value, but just on some deep-down desire to be one of the cool kids.

Alas, "cool" is ever-unattainable to those who seek it. "Cool" is the attitude of not caring what anybody else thinks.

So if you're seeking it, you're already disqualified.

But that doesn't mean companies can't capitalize on the yearning to be cool.

"Starbucks was a cool brand," trend expert Jim Carroll told Reuters on Sunday, "and then all of a sudden it's not a cool brand."

Life is, like, so unfair. Like, totally.

Starbucks announced last week that it will close 600 stores and lay off 12,000 employees. Signs of trouble have been in the air. Not too long ago the company closed all its stores for several hours in order to re-train its employees in quality control and customer service.

Of course, quality control and customer service were never the attraction at Starbucks. Anyone who was out of high school could have told them that, as comedian Jackie Mason did in his dead-on, pound-on-the-carpet-funny style. (Click here to read it or here to watch it or here to buy his book.)

No, the attraction of Starbucks was that it was cool. That's why people paid four dollars for coffee in a paper cup and sat on those uncomfortable chairs for hours staring broodingly into their laptop screens.

It was the Left Bank at the strip mall.

But then, something went terribly wrong.

Starbucks ceased to be cool. Suddenly people on Internet dating sites were writing things like "Anyplace but Starbucks" under the heading of "Perfect first date."

What did them in?

"There's this new global consciousness that is out there that can suddenly shift," Jim Carroll explained.

Oh.

That clears that up.


Copyright 2008

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