The Amazing Clinton!

Lock him in a box, strap him to a guillotine, tie him to a pyre of fire, Bill Clinton can get out of anything.

This week the Amazing One took a mindbending position in favor of and against the sale of U.S. port operations to the UAE-owned company, Dubai Ports World. (How does he do it?! Is he twins?!)

Not only that, his wife sang two choruses of anti-globalization hymns on Capitol Hill while he drank a glass of water in New York and no one saw his lips move.

He even attempted the levitation of his former press secretary's income, but that part of the trick fell just a little short.

Sabotage, no doubt. Lucky it wasn't the guillotine trick.

Reports surfaced on Wednesday night that when the Dubai Ports World deal ran into trouble on Capitol Hill, Bill Clinton telephoned his ruling friends (and speaking gig clients) in the United Arab Emirates and gave them advice on how to get the deal to go through.

Today columnist Robert Novak reports that the former president pressed the UAE to hire his former spokesman, Joe Lockhart, to flack for the company in Washington. (Alas, Bob and Elizabeth Dole got there first. Don't mess with the Greatest Generation.)

Then last Friday in New Zealand, Mr. Clinton pointed out in a speech that the United Arab Emirates laundered money that was used in the 9/11 attacks. Whether that was poll-watching backtracking or a nasty bit of vengeance for the rejected Lockhart deal, no one can say. Not even the stagehands know how the trick is done. Some speculate that he has the complete files of the FBI and CIA on a microchip implanted in his brain. Some say it's just the files on Republicans. (Actually, it's just the files on donors.)

The most entertaining part of the show, of course, is the big finish, where he opens a suitcase and unfolds Hillary into a full-sized presidential candidate. Wait until you hear her debate Senator George Allen in 2008. You'll swear she's real.


Copyright 2006

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